Dreamless

I had the most disappointing sleep last night. When my alarm clock went off I immediately thought, "This can't be right, I've only been alseep for an hour." When in fact, I had been alseep for about 6 hours. I fought with my snooze button for like 30 mintues until it finally won.

I've taken to sleeping on the couch lately. Somehow sleeping alone in my bed leaves me feeling strange, I find that I wake up often and look around like I'm waiting for someone to come home. I had the same feeling sitting in front of the computer last night.

I'm sure I'm just horny.

If I was a man, I'd be a womanizer.

How is it that at 31 I'm still "boy crazy"? I guess at my age you'd call it "man crazy" but I've definitely got an obsession. I love everything about men, the deep voices, big hands, broad shoulders, their smell, the fact that most of them are taller than me (What am I saying? Most people are taller than me, let alone men), and I envy the fact that most men can have sex with as many women as they want and never really have to worry about labels and bad reputations.

It's for this very reason that I am not a slut. Though I know 4 guys in particular who make me wanna be one. Damn.

So I ran into an ex this week, he looked sooooo fucking good. He looked good when we were together, but in the time we've been apart he packed on about 30 pounds of muscle and he's wearing it very well. I pretty much wanted to sexually assault him on my parents front porch and he looked like he wouldn't have a problem with it. Instead we talked. Ok, I'm lying. We didn't just talk, we did kiss... a couple of times. In the midst of kissing him this fool goes for the gusto and has my jeans unsnapped and unzipped faster than the fucking Flash. I'm like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa....Uh, don't do that homie." I gently reminded him that I'm not his girl anymore and he no longer has open access to my jeans like that. Though I admit I was freakin' impressed by his lightning speed. Crazy.

Sometimes being a good girl sucks so bad, but I'd rather be respected than known as a rag doll.

Traveling

My brother will be here around midnight tonight. I'm excited. The last time he was home I was too busy being miserable to enjoy his company, this time will be different.

He tells me he's planned a 'Halo/Halo 2' marathon for us, so I guess I better take a nap before he gets here.

Then we'll be traveling to Ft. Wayne to see my mom, then on to South Bend and Detroit to see relatives. I'm a bit nervous about the prospect of seeing my father. We're not on the best terms these days, then again, we haven't really ever been on good terms. He manages to fake it when we're around each other so I guess I can too.

Anyway...I'm not really prepared to psycho analyze that relationship just yet, so on a happier note--I'll be going to Alabama soon to visit a friend I've known for some time but never met. Funny I always thought my first trip to Bama would be to meet Yank but time changes everything. I joked with my homie that Yank's girl would be waiting for me at his crib with a bat, but I know it's not that deep...At least I hope not. Yank once told me that his girl's trippin days were over but I reminded him that woman's trippin days are never over. *sigh* I'm sure I'm the one who's trippin now, I'll have a good time regardless.

I'm on vacation until the 25th. YAAAYYY!!!

Kids love Floam

I got this in my junk e-mail today. It makes me think of those old Ren and Stimpy cartoons with the commercials for 'Log' and 'Powdered Toast'. Hilarious. What an example of how the dumbest, most useless crap gets marketed to kids, and as kids we want it...All of it.

Anyway, on to me.

Cam called yesterday. It felt weird. Like he didn't want anything specific, just to chat--which is cool because we have good conversation. I just found is strange that he would call me after what was essentially a one night stand. To be honest, I had no intentions of calling him and I didn't expect to hear from him until he breezed thru Indy again (whenever that was) or maybe after a while he would ask me to come see him in Sidney (Ohio, that is). I guess my concern is that he's interested in starting a relationship with me. There's two reasons why I'm sure it would be a bad idea:

1. I just broke up with Steve and I am by all means "on the rebound".
2. Relationships that start out based on sex rarely pan out into anything meaningful or last long-term. At least none that I've had.

I assumed we both had the understanding that "it is what it is" and everybody goes home happy.

I guess I should stop analyzing and give things more time. I just don't want anyone trying to snag my freedom so soon after being on lock (and unhappy) for 2+ years.

Will somebody please tell me to lighten up?! :-)

Amazing Grace

I knew the minute I saw him it was on. Cam. His name rhymes with damn for a reason.

I've known Cam for a while. I was surprised to see him at my family's cookout yesterday. So very pleasantly surprised.

His dreds are 8 years long and looked amazing. He looked amazing.

We've had a thing for each other for years but time and circumstances never allowed us to come together. At one point he had a girlfriend, then I had a boyfriend, then we both moved out of Ft. Wayne. Last night, we easily slipped into the pattern of our friendship--talking about music (mostly hip-hop), crackin' jokes, and giving each other the eye. He even showed some lyrics and let me listen to some music he's been working on. But you know what got me? The thing that sealed the deal? His freestyle. That may sound dumb to some people but if you have a love for good hip-hop, real hip-hop, then you can understand and respect a dope freestyle when you hear one. And that my friends, is why he's called "Amazing Grace". It's crazy to think how many dope rappers out there will never get signed...but I digress. Back to the cookout...

I wanted him, but didn't want to make the first move. I just sort of played along to see where things would go. And, I admit I was having some mixed emotions about the whole thing because I was in a very serious relationship with one of his best friends for about 5 years, but that ended like 3 1/2 years ago but still I didn't wanna come off as some ho who was tryna run through him and his crew.

When the cookout was over...food eaten, fireworks done, hours of flirting and vibing with him, I was still too nervous to make a move. I gave him a hug, said "It was nice to see you". He walked away from my car and at first, I thought, "well, that's that" but before I could drive away he knocked on my window. "I'm tryna roll with you", was all I needed to hear. I didn't say anything, I just unlocked the door.

The rest is history.

Today, I can't stop smiling.

What...ever.

Saw Steve today. He forgot to cancel his direct deposit so his paycheck was in my bank account. He met me at the bank with his new girl in tow **insert rolling eyes here***. She never looked up, seemed like she was scared or nervous--or at least I'd like to think she was. Steve looked the same, apathetic and dirty. Our transaction was brief, but I know him well enough to know he was hoping for some drama.

I handed him his money and walked away. We didn't say a word.

I was relieved to see that his girl looked dumpy. Mousy brown hair, nothing special. If I'd had the forethought to do it I would have wished her luck. She'll need it.

It stings just a little to think I was so quickly replaced, but that's to be expected I suppose, and I'm sure she's been around longer than I ever knew.

Ah...good riddance you fat bastard. This is the last time I'll mention you here.