The end of desire

Wanting one thing so much, for so long, can make you say and do the craziest things, make you feel the craziest ways. It becomes an obsession.

Then over time, you either drive yourself insane or start to convince yourself that the thing is unattainable and you're better off without it.

You start to think of other things. Maybe find a new obsession. You live for something else.

Then, the thing you wanted, the thing you've tried so hard to forget, finally gives you a sign. A sign you never thought you'd see....but, the sign only appears for a moment and quickly disappears. While this brief appearance makes you happy, the shortness of it's stay makes you sad.

Lucky boy

I just read something in another blog that made me so unexpectedly horny. It was a guy describing how it feels for a man to have his penis inside a vagina. I read it out of curiosity and the endless pursuit of knowledge ( you like how I make it sound like it's all for science?).

One word. Wow.

Maybe Freud was right.

Sleeping alone is gonna suck tonight.

Releasing the drain

I've felt pretty uncreative and uninspired lately. Thus the lack of blogging.

My world has been pretty uninteresting I guess, at least to me. I've immersed myself in the study of Property and Casualty Insurance in pursuit of a license (sounds like a blast, huh?). So life is pretty boring right now.

To save me from distraction I've sort of disconnected myself from potential "love" interests. Everyone's being corralled in the "friend zone" for now.

My favorite mistake called tonight. I knew something was wrong the minute I answered. "Come get me, I wanna see you.", he says. I reminded him that I have to work very early in the morning and coming to get him ( 2 hours there, 2 hours back) is no small feat. "What's wrong?", I asked. Turns out he got fired, replaced by some DJ from Florida who had more years under his belt and more pull at the station. I feel bad, I know this is something he's wanted for a long time and I don't think he's dealt with corporate America long enough to understand that this is how it goes...over, and over, and over.

Once he realized I wasn't dropping all plans and jumping in my car, he seemed to lose interest in talking to me. I'm reminded of how this seems to be the way things always go between us. He calls, he's miserable, I console, and he's gone. Not asking how my day was or how I've been. Am I selfish? I don't think so. And I don't really think he's trying to be selfish either (ok, maybe I'm trying to redeem him just a little), but it seems he's always too busy, too far away, too laden with burdens to have time for me.

When I wrote about him before someone asked what I was afraid of. I couldn't put it into words then---and I'm not completely sure how to say it now but...

Even when we're together, I'm always alone. It's like in order to be with him I have to become this saintly, patient, doting girlfriend who cares nothing for herself and only subsists on his happiness. I was content in this role years ago but now realize that it leaves me feeling empty and uncared for.

This thing he does makes me tired, and even though it seems he may need me now, I've made a choice to leave him alone, and I feel better about that decision than I thought I would.