I ate oatmeal for the first time today. I found a packet of maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal in a cabinet while cleaning, left behind by a former roommate. The expiration date said it was still good so I thought, why not? I'm sure you're thinking, oatmeal, whoop-dee freakin doo, but I've always hated oatmeal, especially as a kid. I found it slimy, mushy, very reminiscent of the gruel served at the home for orphaned boys in Oliver Twist. Ewwww.
But today, while writing in my journal (the "blog" that no one gets to see), I pondered how tastes change over time. As a kid I hated potato salad or anything else prepared with mayonnaise and I found bread crust so disgusting that I would peel if off my sandwich and stuff it around the edge of my plate (as if my mother would somehow never find it there). I died at the thought of putting cheese on my hamburgers. Once my brother and I tried to flush our cheerios down the toilet because, hello?...cheerios didn't come pre-sweetened. Dammit, how dare you Mom! A note to all: Cheerios don't flush, they float, so imagine our surprise when mom's angry voice interrupted our Saturday morning cartoons.
I also think about the things I used to love to eat. White bread, spaghetti-o's--pretty much anything canned by Chef Boy-Ardee or Franco American, Crunch Berries cereal, and Kool-Aid. Oh Kool-Aid, as a child no one could could convince me that there was anything finer to drink on the face of the earth.
My taste in food is not the only thing that has changed. I grew up listening to all my mother's favorite music, Earth Wind and Fire, Stevie Wonder and the Parliment Funkadelic. Then I met my friend Leigh who convinced me nothing would be greater than to move to London and be a part of the fledgling punk scene--all purple haired, studded belts, and safety pins in our ears. Oi!! I probably would've given my left arm to have a boyfriend with a nose ring and a mohawk. Then I moved on to the 80's hair bands; Motley Crew, Poison, Ratt, Cinderella--you name it, I loved it. It's probably good that I was too young to party back then or I woulda been one coked out groupie slut. Then I made the change to hip-hop. My first cassette tapes were Run DMC, 'Tougher than Leather' and Salt-n-Pepa, 'A Salt wit a deadly Pepa'. I played those tapes till they popped and my love of hip-hop stayed with me for a long time--hell, it's still with me today. In 1998 I discovered electronic music; jungle, drum and bass, HOUSE...too many genres to name. I became very much entrenched in the rave scene: the drugs, the parties, the clubs, the DJ's and the people.
All the while the music I listened to influenced my clothes. I always felt the need to dress the part. I was punk, metal, raver, candy. When I listened to nothing but hip-hop hardly a day went buy that I wasn't rockin baggy jeans, Timbs, and a polo or some kind of T-shirt--hoodies in the winter of course. Oh yeah, don't forget the ever present backpack and headphones.
Now, I'm just me. Parts of all these things have rolled up into what is now Maisha. I still hate potato salad or anything else prepared with mayonnaise, but bread crust is no big deal. White bread, canned pasta, and kool-aid are now on my top ten list of things to never eat and or drink ever again, but cheese on my hamburgers is essential. My music collection now consists of so many varying artists that it's hard to pin down a favorite genre. I must say I like what I've become.
Oh yeah, back to the oatmeal. It was good. Still a bit slimy and mushy but not nearly as gruelish as I recall. I think I learned the trick that less water equals more to my liking. Who knew?
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Hello Inspiration
I met a guy recently. Well met isn't exactly right--we "met" over the phone and haven't seen each other in person yet (talk about deja vu). We've talked almost every night for a little over a month, sometimes for hours at a time. It's strange how immediately we "clicked". To say that we have many things in common is an understatement.
His presence in my life and my sudden need for him sort of blindsided me. Here I was floating along, flirting with this one, considering that one...then he, like a battleship, blows all competition out of the water. I was never one to keep a "little black book", but after a few farewell phone calls and delete, delete, delete--the names list in my cell phone menu now only includes family, friends (platonic), and him. "My favorite mistake" no longer a prospect, and apparently bitter at that fact, had nothing but words of doubt. In so many words he said I'm just looking for something I'll never find with anyone but him. He says he'll wait until I've "dated enough" and figure out what he already knows--that we're destined to be together. In the past his words would've made me question my choices, but I think I've managed to successfully pull away from his influence and do something in my own interest.
And what a good thing I have done. This guy has to be the most positive, most resilient person I've ever met. My bad days become good when I talk to him. He makes me think of the future in a more positive light instead of my usual cynicism. More than once I've thought, "He's such an amazing person".
I'm not head over heels (yet), and I am being cautious. Everything looks perfect from far away, right? It does suck that I've found yet another long distance interest. Which ultimately still leaves me alone but I guess the man of my dreams just doesn't live in Indianapolis.
Only time will tell where this thing will go. For now, that falling feeling is a welcome change.
His presence in my life and my sudden need for him sort of blindsided me. Here I was floating along, flirting with this one, considering that one...then he, like a battleship, blows all competition out of the water. I was never one to keep a "little black book", but after a few farewell phone calls and delete, delete, delete--the names list in my cell phone menu now only includes family, friends (platonic), and him. "My favorite mistake" no longer a prospect, and apparently bitter at that fact, had nothing but words of doubt. In so many words he said I'm just looking for something I'll never find with anyone but him. He says he'll wait until I've "dated enough" and figure out what he already knows--that we're destined to be together. In the past his words would've made me question my choices, but I think I've managed to successfully pull away from his influence and do something in my own interest.
And what a good thing I have done. This guy has to be the most positive, most resilient person I've ever met. My bad days become good when I talk to him. He makes me think of the future in a more positive light instead of my usual cynicism. More than once I've thought, "He's such an amazing person".
I'm not head over heels (yet), and I am being cautious. Everything looks perfect from far away, right? It does suck that I've found yet another long distance interest. Which ultimately still leaves me alone but I guess the man of my dreams just doesn't live in Indianapolis.
Only time will tell where this thing will go. For now, that falling feeling is a welcome change.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
The end of desire
Wanting one thing so much, for so long, can make you say and do the craziest things, make you feel the craziest ways. It becomes an obsession.
Then over time, you either drive yourself insane or start to convince yourself that the thing is unattainable and you're better off without it.
You start to think of other things. Maybe find a new obsession. You live for something else.
Then, the thing you wanted, the thing you've tried so hard to forget, finally gives you a sign. A sign you never thought you'd see....but, the sign only appears for a moment and quickly disappears. While this brief appearance makes you happy, the shortness of it's stay makes you sad.
Then over time, you either drive yourself insane or start to convince yourself that the thing is unattainable and you're better off without it.
You start to think of other things. Maybe find a new obsession. You live for something else.
Then, the thing you wanted, the thing you've tried so hard to forget, finally gives you a sign. A sign you never thought you'd see....but, the sign only appears for a moment and quickly disappears. While this brief appearance makes you happy, the shortness of it's stay makes you sad.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Lucky boy
I just read something in another blog that made me so unexpectedly horny. It was a guy describing how it feels for a man to have his penis inside a vagina. I read it out of curiosity and the endless pursuit of knowledge ( you like how I make it sound like it's all for science?).
One word. Wow.
Maybe Freud was right.
Sleeping alone is gonna suck tonight.
One word. Wow.
Maybe Freud was right.
Sleeping alone is gonna suck tonight.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Releasing the drain
I've felt pretty uncreative and uninspired lately. Thus the lack of blogging.
My world has been pretty uninteresting I guess, at least to me. I've immersed myself in the study of Property and Casualty Insurance in pursuit of a license (sounds like a blast, huh?). So life is pretty boring right now.
To save me from distraction I've sort of disconnected myself from potential "love" interests. Everyone's being corralled in the "friend zone" for now.
My favorite mistake called tonight. I knew something was wrong the minute I answered. "Come get me, I wanna see you.", he says. I reminded him that I have to work very early in the morning and coming to get him ( 2 hours there, 2 hours back) is no small feat. "What's wrong?", I asked. Turns out he got fired, replaced by some DJ from Florida who had more years under his belt and more pull at the station. I feel bad, I know this is something he's wanted for a long time and I don't think he's dealt with corporate America long enough to understand that this is how it goes...over, and over, and over.
Once he realized I wasn't dropping all plans and jumping in my car, he seemed to lose interest in talking to me. I'm reminded of how this seems to be the way things always go between us. He calls, he's miserable, I console, and he's gone. Not asking how my day was or how I've been. Am I selfish? I don't think so. And I don't really think he's trying to be selfish either (ok, maybe I'm trying to redeem him just a little), but it seems he's always too busy, too far away, too laden with burdens to have time for me.
When I wrote about him before someone asked what I was afraid of. I couldn't put it into words then---and I'm not completely sure how to say it now but...
Even when we're together, I'm always alone. It's like in order to be with him I have to become this saintly, patient, doting girlfriend who cares nothing for herself and only subsists on his happiness. I was content in this role years ago but now realize that it leaves me feeling empty and uncared for.
This thing he does makes me tired, and even though it seems he may need me now, I've made a choice to leave him alone, and I feel better about that decision than I thought I would.
My world has been pretty uninteresting I guess, at least to me. I've immersed myself in the study of Property and Casualty Insurance in pursuit of a license (sounds like a blast, huh?). So life is pretty boring right now.
To save me from distraction I've sort of disconnected myself from potential "love" interests. Everyone's being corralled in the "friend zone" for now.
My favorite mistake called tonight. I knew something was wrong the minute I answered. "Come get me, I wanna see you.", he says. I reminded him that I have to work very early in the morning and coming to get him ( 2 hours there, 2 hours back) is no small feat. "What's wrong?", I asked. Turns out he got fired, replaced by some DJ from Florida who had more years under his belt and more pull at the station. I feel bad, I know this is something he's wanted for a long time and I don't think he's dealt with corporate America long enough to understand that this is how it goes...over, and over, and over.
Once he realized I wasn't dropping all plans and jumping in my car, he seemed to lose interest in talking to me. I'm reminded of how this seems to be the way things always go between us. He calls, he's miserable, I console, and he's gone. Not asking how my day was or how I've been. Am I selfish? I don't think so. And I don't really think he's trying to be selfish either (ok, maybe I'm trying to redeem him just a little), but it seems he's always too busy, too far away, too laden with burdens to have time for me.
When I wrote about him before someone asked what I was afraid of. I couldn't put it into words then---and I'm not completely sure how to say it now but...
Even when we're together, I'm always alone. It's like in order to be with him I have to become this saintly, patient, doting girlfriend who cares nothing for herself and only subsists on his happiness. I was content in this role years ago but now realize that it leaves me feeling empty and uncared for.
This thing he does makes me tired, and even though it seems he may need me now, I've made a choice to leave him alone, and I feel better about that decision than I thought I would.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
He's in my head
For the past two days I've taken to playing on-line games with my favorite mistake. First we played Chess. I had him in check in eight moves. I thought, "piece of cake", but 2 hours later I was the loser and I found myself amazed by his strategy. Then we played Literati (think Scrabble). Once again my ego made me think I was a shoe in to win and once again I was proven embarrassingly wrong. He beat me by over 125 points--and I even used the 'Z'!
To save face just a bit, I was unfairly distracted during the game. Three times he sent me messages containing explicit details of some previous, and some hoped for, sexual encounters. Knowing me as well as he does, he knew exactly what to say to make my jaw drop. Amazing that after all these years he's still completely in touch with how to turn me on.
Aside from the blatant sex talk, I've found these games to be arousing in a totally different way. Last night I described it as dusting off my brain. Mind sex, if you will. I'm so impressed by his intelligence. In the past he has described me as the brains of our relationship and I would describe him as the brawn. I mean, I never saw him as a complete dumbass but I definitely saw myself on a whole other level intelligence-wise. I'm happy to find that I've underestimated him.
For me personally, intelligence goes a lot farther than looks or sexual prowess.
To save face just a bit, I was unfairly distracted during the game. Three times he sent me messages containing explicit details of some previous, and some hoped for, sexual encounters. Knowing me as well as he does, he knew exactly what to say to make my jaw drop. Amazing that after all these years he's still completely in touch with how to turn me on.
Aside from the blatant sex talk, I've found these games to be arousing in a totally different way. Last night I described it as dusting off my brain. Mind sex, if you will. I'm so impressed by his intelligence. In the past he has described me as the brains of our relationship and I would describe him as the brawn. I mean, I never saw him as a complete dumbass but I definitely saw myself on a whole other level intelligence-wise. I'm happy to find that I've underestimated him.
For me personally, intelligence goes a lot farther than looks or sexual prowess.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Demand Real Answers
I've got the same questions on my mind that you do (if not, you should).
How is this happening right here in our own country? How can we send billions of dollars in aid overseas almost overnight, but people in New Orleans haven't eaten in 3 days? A state in America reduced to the likes of third world country in less than a week?
It's fucking ridiculous. I'm disgusted, I'm outraged, and damn you if you're not. I keep hearing people say shit like, "Let it sink", "Good riddance", "Don't help them if that's how they act". They?? You mean, your countrymen? Those human beings that are dying everyday while crying out for help?
I'm not a patriot by any means but I am a humanist. Even the most "wicked" of us deserve a fair chance at survival. It kills me to think that there are people so naive to think that the hype being fed to us by the media this past week will suffice to be the whole story.
Let me just say this, if you voted to re-elect Bush you should feel nothing but shame. Consider it a character flaw that needs your immediate attention. I mean, you see how your guy is handling things don't you? I'm sure the survivors of this disaster find much comfort in his "deer in the headlights" response. Way to go G-Dub. Now aren't you glad you rallied around him to do what was best for America? Even Bush himself said the current relief efforts were "unacceptable". No shit. As if he's only a critic and not the one to do something about.
From CNN.com:
"I'm not looking forward to this trip," Bush said as he set out for a firsthand look at the destruction in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi.
Wow. Thanks, Chief. Sorry if real life disturbed yet another vacation. I'm sure those that died today would thank you for such a timely response.
What can I say? Do what you can. Donate Now. Vote Later.
But most of all, please, please, please, don't believe the hype. Don't be afraid to question or criticize the actions of your government. Demand the whole truth and don't accept anything less.
How is this happening right here in our own country? How can we send billions of dollars in aid overseas almost overnight, but people in New Orleans haven't eaten in 3 days? A state in America reduced to the likes of third world country in less than a week?
It's fucking ridiculous. I'm disgusted, I'm outraged, and damn you if you're not. I keep hearing people say shit like, "Let it sink", "Good riddance", "Don't help them if that's how they act". They?? You mean, your countrymen? Those human beings that are dying everyday while crying out for help?
I'm not a patriot by any means but I am a humanist. Even the most "wicked" of us deserve a fair chance at survival. It kills me to think that there are people so naive to think that the hype being fed to us by the media this past week will suffice to be the whole story.
Let me just say this, if you voted to re-elect Bush you should feel nothing but shame. Consider it a character flaw that needs your immediate attention. I mean, you see how your guy is handling things don't you? I'm sure the survivors of this disaster find much comfort in his "deer in the headlights" response. Way to go G-Dub. Now aren't you glad you rallied around him to do what was best for America? Even Bush himself said the current relief efforts were "unacceptable". No shit. As if he's only a critic and not the one to do something about.
From CNN.com:
"I'm not looking forward to this trip," Bush said as he set out for a firsthand look at the destruction in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi.
Wow. Thanks, Chief. Sorry if real life disturbed yet another vacation. I'm sure those that died today would thank you for such a timely response.
What can I say? Do what you can. Donate Now. Vote Later.
But most of all, please, please, please, don't believe the hype. Don't be afraid to question or criticize the actions of your government. Demand the whole truth and don't accept anything less.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Man, I feel like Chester the Molester
Side note: I'm seriously considering changing the title of this blog to "Blogs about boys"--but then I'd be obligated right? :-)
Anyway, I went to a show this weekend (part of the Indianapolis Hip-Hop Festival), and I watched a group called "Sub-Surface" do their thang. I was immediately drawn to one of their emcees, yes, he had dread locks and was awfully good looking- so you already know. Dude had nice flows, his lyrics seemed thoughtful and well written. I was impressed, and I'm thinking this guy looks strangely familiar but I can't place the face. They perform a few songs, I'm diggin' their style, so I get the hookup from a friend and go backstage. I find the dude from Sub-Surface and I'm like "Hi, good show, I like your music." We make introductions and chat about music and things. Then out of no where he says"Oh my god, I know you. You don't recognize me do you?", with this big grin on his face. I'm a little puzzled by the grin so I stand there speechless, thinking, you know something I don't?
Long story short, turns out I used to babysit this guy when he was like 7 years old. I was probably 13 or so at the time. I remember him as a skinny, snaggle-toothed, little boy who always tried to open the door when I was using the bathroom and did just about everything else he could to drive me insane. His dad owned a clothing boutique and would totally over pay me and usually bring me something new whenever he picked up his son.
I immediately felt like a dirty old woman. Granted, he's a grown man now, but once I realized who he was I couldn't stop seeing him as a little boy. I felt weird about finding him attractive and treating him like a potential suitor. Knowing who he was took the wind out of my sails. Frankly, it creeped me out and I felt like a bit of a pedophile. It's silly I know, but when he asked if he could call me sometime I lied and told him I had a boyfriend. We exchanged e-mail addresses though, and I'll keep in touch.
Small world.
Anyway, I went to a show this weekend (part of the Indianapolis Hip-Hop Festival), and I watched a group called "Sub-Surface" do their thang. I was immediately drawn to one of their emcees, yes, he had dread locks and was awfully good looking- so you already know. Dude had nice flows, his lyrics seemed thoughtful and well written. I was impressed, and I'm thinking this guy looks strangely familiar but I can't place the face. They perform a few songs, I'm diggin' their style, so I get the hookup from a friend and go backstage. I find the dude from Sub-Surface and I'm like "Hi, good show, I like your music." We make introductions and chat about music and things. Then out of no where he says"Oh my god, I know you. You don't recognize me do you?", with this big grin on his face. I'm a little puzzled by the grin so I stand there speechless, thinking, you know something I don't?
Long story short, turns out I used to babysit this guy when he was like 7 years old. I was probably 13 or so at the time. I remember him as a skinny, snaggle-toothed, little boy who always tried to open the door when I was using the bathroom and did just about everything else he could to drive me insane. His dad owned a clothing boutique and would totally over pay me and usually bring me something new whenever he picked up his son.
I immediately felt like a dirty old woman. Granted, he's a grown man now, but once I realized who he was I couldn't stop seeing him as a little boy. I felt weird about finding him attractive and treating him like a potential suitor. Knowing who he was took the wind out of my sails. Frankly, it creeped me out and I felt like a bit of a pedophile. It's silly I know, but when he asked if he could call me sometime I lied and told him I had a boyfriend. We exchanged e-mail addresses though, and I'll keep in touch.
Small world.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Perspective
Sometimes all it takes for you to think another way is someone else's point of view.
I was talking to my one and only female friend (you may call her The Princess) about my favorite mistake. My favorite mistake is this guy I dated about 7 years ago. He's the one and only man I've ever seriously considered marriage for. He taught me everything I ever wanted to know about sex (but was afraid to ask, ha ha) and he's the first guy I ever felt completely secure with, he never made me feel like there was anything he didn't like or would change about me. We never had any serious fights, just serious talks. We were together for 5 years, went through hell and back relationship wise and it ended with me feeling emotionally battered. I convinced myself that the whole relationship happened because I was young, gullible, and eager to please. That things only went down the way they did because I let them. And of course I swore I would never be that silly little girl again.
From time to time, my favorite mistake resurfaces. Usually unexpectedly, catching me off guard. Instead of hanging up the phone or telling him to catch fire and burn, I always give him the time of day. Like he deserves it. It sounds sappy and weak, but when I hear his voice or see his face I feel powerless. I want him all over again. In my head I'm thinking "be mean to him, hurt his feelings". Instead I find myself smiling, laughing at his same old jokes, reminiscing about how cool things used to be between us.
He inevitably suggests that we should be together again. That things could be as cool as they used to be, even cooler because now we're both more mature and ready to take things seriously. And I find myself considering it, every time.
I asked The Princess, "Why him? Why is he the only one I can't seem to shake off. Any other ex either gets the boot or lands securely in 'the friend zone' never to return"
She says, "It's easy, he's the love of your life. He was supposed to be 'The One' and it's not unreasonable that you have a hard time letting that go".
I honestly never thought of him that way until she said it out loud and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right.
While we're not getting back together-- I'm not THAT weak-- I feel like less of a punk for letting him hang around in my life, now that she put it in perspective.
Thanks Princess. :-)
I was talking to my one and only female friend (you may call her The Princess) about my favorite mistake. My favorite mistake is this guy I dated about 7 years ago. He's the one and only man I've ever seriously considered marriage for. He taught me everything I ever wanted to know about sex (but was afraid to ask, ha ha) and he's the first guy I ever felt completely secure with, he never made me feel like there was anything he didn't like or would change about me. We never had any serious fights, just serious talks. We were together for 5 years, went through hell and back relationship wise and it ended with me feeling emotionally battered. I convinced myself that the whole relationship happened because I was young, gullible, and eager to please. That things only went down the way they did because I let them. And of course I swore I would never be that silly little girl again.
From time to time, my favorite mistake resurfaces. Usually unexpectedly, catching me off guard. Instead of hanging up the phone or telling him to catch fire and burn, I always give him the time of day. Like he deserves it. It sounds sappy and weak, but when I hear his voice or see his face I feel powerless. I want him all over again. In my head I'm thinking "be mean to him, hurt his feelings". Instead I find myself smiling, laughing at his same old jokes, reminiscing about how cool things used to be between us.
He inevitably suggests that we should be together again. That things could be as cool as they used to be, even cooler because now we're both more mature and ready to take things seriously. And I find myself considering it, every time.
I asked The Princess, "Why him? Why is he the only one I can't seem to shake off. Any other ex either gets the boot or lands securely in 'the friend zone' never to return"
She says, "It's easy, he's the love of your life. He was supposed to be 'The One' and it's not unreasonable that you have a hard time letting that go".
I honestly never thought of him that way until she said it out loud and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right.
While we're not getting back together-- I'm not THAT weak-- I feel like less of a punk for letting him hang around in my life, now that she put it in perspective.
Thanks Princess. :-)
Monday, August 15, 2005
Balls don't equal brains
"Just A Girl" - by No Doubt
Dealing with car repair causes me more anxiety than public speaking. I'm immediately on the defensive because I'm convinced the bill is being padded simply because I'm a female who doesn't know any better.
I know a little about cars. Enough to change my own oil and keep up with routine maintenance. Hell, I can even change a serpentine belt if given the time, but I am by no means a mechanic so I still have to leave major repairs to the pros.
This time it's the mother of all repairs--transmission. I'm anticipating paying at least a G, probably more, to fix my car's current condition. Even so, no one seems eager to help me. I've called 4 different mechanics in the last 4 days in attempt to get my car towed and at the very least looked at to verify the problem. How come no one wants to take my money? Would I get different service if a man called for me?
This leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless. My mother makes matters worse by telling me to wear a "wedding ring", and tell the tow truck driver that my husband will be home from vacation tomorrow. I get so angry when she says things like that but I know she's probably right--and it sucks. Why do I have to fake like I'm just a girl?
Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights
Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear
'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes
I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison
Oh...I've had it up to! I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights
Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear
'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes
I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype
Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison
Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...I've had it up to here!
Dealing with car repair causes me more anxiety than public speaking. I'm immediately on the defensive because I'm convinced the bill is being padded simply because I'm a female who doesn't know any better.
I know a little about cars. Enough to change my own oil and keep up with routine maintenance. Hell, I can even change a serpentine belt if given the time, but I am by no means a mechanic so I still have to leave major repairs to the pros.
This time it's the mother of all repairs--transmission. I'm anticipating paying at least a G, probably more, to fix my car's current condition. Even so, no one seems eager to help me. I've called 4 different mechanics in the last 4 days in attempt to get my car towed and at the very least looked at to verify the problem. How come no one wants to take my money? Would I get different service if a man called for me?
This leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless. My mother makes matters worse by telling me to wear a "wedding ring", and tell the tow truck driver that my husband will be home from vacation tomorrow. I get so angry when she says things like that but I know she's probably right--and it sucks. Why do I have to fake like I'm just a girl?
Boys Cheat
Years ago, after a bad break up I bought a bright orange hoodie that had "BOYS CHEAT" written across the front. I wore the hoodie to a party. People's reactions ran the gammit. Some girls laughed, some gave me knowing looks, some were like "I love your shirt", "Right on girl". The boys reactions cracked me up. I got everything from dirty looks, to"Nice shirt" and "Hey! Girls cheat too!" (no shit). In general women, were overwhelmingly positive while men acted as if they didn't appreciate being outed. But it's kind of like the whole rappers calling women bitches thing. If it doesn't apply to you, you shouldn't be offended.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Alabama
"Can I see your passport please?"
My first impression is...Damn, Huntsville is dark. Street lights are apparently considered unnecessary in the south. Lots, of hills, twists, turns and wide open spaces. My second impression is that these folks loooooove them some Jesus. There were churches everywhere. And the cotton field behind Neil's house kinda blew my mind but I guess if people want new clothes they still gotta grow cotton somewhere.
I got to Neil's place around mid-nightish. Neils is taller and way skinnier in person. We bypassed handshake formalities and hugged like old friends. We blazed almost immediately, then as expected we just kicked it- plain and simple. Neils has a head full of ideas, dreams, and stories so it was easy to find things to talk about. We had many laughs at the expense of Nigerian men and passport disposal. We also ate at a sweet Thai place called 'Surin'--the Chicken Curry was outstanding and the wait staff moved so fast I swore some of them were flying.
Neils is pretty much the chillest, sweetest, dude I've met in a long time. No drama, no attitude, no problem. When I got scared while roaming an unfamiliar cave all he had to say was, "Trust me" and I was down to keep moving. I could kick it with Neils everyday and never get tired of his company. He does sleep more than most newborns and his apartment was like tryptophan, but sleep can be hard to come by in the real world so I was more than happy to catch up on my vacation. There's still much about Neils that remains a mystery but I look forward to getting to know him better in time. Neils seems like an open book and I'm sure it's just a matter of asking what I want to know.
And then... There was Yank. *Sigh* This dude....Man, I almost don't know what to say. Yank should have his picture in the dictionary next to the word antagonist.
He wasn't as tall as I thought he would be. Definitely not as menacing as his constant shit talking would suggest. In fact besides the facial hair he has the face of a child. So adorable. I figure he knows this and tries to counter act this sweetness by relentlessly reminding everyone how hard he really is, but eyes reveal a kindness that can't be countered by anything he says.
Speaking of what he says--I can honestly say he gave me shit about everything from the minute we met. My height, my clothes, my "punkish" ways, my music choices, etc, etc,etc. His teasing was non-stop. Then of course I had to hear is about every pro and con stance he takes on how life is. All in good fun mind you, I didn't take much of it seriously. The spiel about the war between modern women and men was hilarious. I'm thinkin', dude, you sound like someone who's had his heart recently broken--but hey, I know you're too hard for that right? Then the part about how I (and everyone else) should stop smoking weed. We'll never see eye to eye on that one homie, but I can say I understand and appreciate where you're coming from, and remember--I'm not a hype!
At times, he seemed very guarded. Like there were things about him that he wasn't ready to show me. He definitely had issues about letting me take pictures of him and he never let me see his reptile collection. Both of which I found disappointing but by no means detracted from our over all good time.
Aside from his constant ribbing it was awesome to hang out with him. He provided me with one of my most memorable moments on the trip. He made me a CD entitled 'Prayer'. The first track immediately made all heads in the car start bobbin'; Hootie-hoooooo. That song made me smile. Then, when he slipped in 'Champagne Supernova', I realized he's probably not the music snob he appears to be. It's like hip-hop is his wife and he doesn't want to get caught cheating, or speaking as highly of another woman. It's all good homie, we all know how much you love her.
Once, and only once, at the Waffle House, I felt a spark of something old. It was cool to feel it again, if only for the moment.
Now, I have a confession. I like to argue with Yank as much as he likes to bait me. It's like an infinite game of chess and I'm almost always in check.
Yank's girl (um..Ex-girl?) fell through while I was there. Our meeting was brief and not really worth mentioning, pretty much as expected. I gotta wonder if that would've gone down differently if the circumstances hadn't changed. ?.
So that's Alabama. Assuming my homies dug me as much as I dug them I'll definitely be bouncin' through there again. Oh yeah, I should mention that the hike we took completely kicked my ass and I'm very glad Indiana land is so flat.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Finally
I woke up with a sprained ankle today. How does that happen you ask? Beats the hell out of me, it was fine when I went to sleep last night. I've become to used to the myriad of medical oddities that have happened to me over my lifetime so I guess waking up with a sprained ankle after no strenuous physical activity is par for the course.
Oh well, I'm on my way to Alabama on Friday. I'm sure a much more interesting post will follow.
Oh well, I'm on my way to Alabama on Friday. I'm sure a much more interesting post will follow.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Dreamless
I had the most disappointing sleep last night. When my alarm clock went off I immediately thought, "This can't be right, I've only been alseep for an hour." When in fact, I had been alseep for about 6 hours. I fought with my snooze button for like 30 mintues until it finally won.
I've taken to sleeping on the couch lately. Somehow sleeping alone in my bed leaves me feeling strange, I find that I wake up often and look around like I'm waiting for someone to come home. I had the same feeling sitting in front of the computer last night.
I'm sure I'm just horny.
I've taken to sleeping on the couch lately. Somehow sleeping alone in my bed leaves me feeling strange, I find that I wake up often and look around like I'm waiting for someone to come home. I had the same feeling sitting in front of the computer last night.
I'm sure I'm just horny.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
If I was a man, I'd be a womanizer.
How is it that at 31 I'm still "boy crazy"? I guess at my age you'd call it "man crazy" but I've definitely got an obsession. I love everything about men, the deep voices, big hands, broad shoulders, their smell, the fact that most of them are taller than me (What am I saying? Most people are taller than me, let alone men), and I envy the fact that most men can have sex with as many women as they want and never really have to worry about labels and bad reputations.
It's for this very reason that I am not a slut. Though I know 4 guys in particular who make me wanna be one. Damn.
So I ran into an ex this week, he looked sooooo fucking good. He looked good when we were together, but in the time we've been apart he packed on about 30 pounds of muscle and he's wearing it very well. I pretty much wanted to sexually assault him on my parents front porch and he looked like he wouldn't have a problem with it. Instead we talked. Ok, I'm lying. We didn't just talk, we did kiss... a couple of times. In the midst of kissing him this fool goes for the gusto and has my jeans unsnapped and unzipped faster than the fucking Flash. I'm like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa....Uh, don't do that homie." I gently reminded him that I'm not his girl anymore and he no longer has open access to my jeans like that. Though I admit I was freakin' impressed by his lightning speed. Crazy.
Sometimes being a good girl sucks so bad, but I'd rather be respected than known as a rag doll.
It's for this very reason that I am not a slut. Though I know 4 guys in particular who make me wanna be one. Damn.
So I ran into an ex this week, he looked sooooo fucking good. He looked good when we were together, but in the time we've been apart he packed on about 30 pounds of muscle and he's wearing it very well. I pretty much wanted to sexually assault him on my parents front porch and he looked like he wouldn't have a problem with it. Instead we talked. Ok, I'm lying. We didn't just talk, we did kiss... a couple of times. In the midst of kissing him this fool goes for the gusto and has my jeans unsnapped and unzipped faster than the fucking Flash. I'm like "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa....Uh, don't do that homie." I gently reminded him that I'm not his girl anymore and he no longer has open access to my jeans like that. Though I admit I was freakin' impressed by his lightning speed. Crazy.
Sometimes being a good girl sucks so bad, but I'd rather be respected than known as a rag doll.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Traveling
My brother will be here around midnight tonight. I'm excited. The last time he was home I was too busy being miserable to enjoy his company, this time will be different.
He tells me he's planned a 'Halo/Halo 2' marathon for us, so I guess I better take a nap before he gets here.
Then we'll be traveling to Ft. Wayne to see my mom, then on to South Bend and Detroit to see relatives. I'm a bit nervous about the prospect of seeing my father. We're not on the best terms these days, then again, we haven't really ever been on good terms. He manages to fake it when we're around each other so I guess I can too.
Anyway...I'm not really prepared to psycho analyze that relationship just yet, so on a happier note--I'll be going to Alabama soon to visit a friend I've known for some time but never met. Funny I always thought my first trip to Bama would be to meet Yank but time changes everything. I joked with my homie that Yank's girl would be waiting for me at his crib with a bat, but I know it's not that deep...At least I hope not. Yank once told me that his girl's trippin days were over but I reminded him that woman's trippin days are never over. *sigh* I'm sure I'm the one who's trippin now, I'll have a good time regardless.
I'm on vacation until the 25th. YAAAYYY!!!
He tells me he's planned a 'Halo/Halo 2' marathon for us, so I guess I better take a nap before he gets here.
Then we'll be traveling to Ft. Wayne to see my mom, then on to South Bend and Detroit to see relatives. I'm a bit nervous about the prospect of seeing my father. We're not on the best terms these days, then again, we haven't really ever been on good terms. He manages to fake it when we're around each other so I guess I can too.
Anyway...I'm not really prepared to psycho analyze that relationship just yet, so on a happier note--I'll be going to Alabama soon to visit a friend I've known for some time but never met. Funny I always thought my first trip to Bama would be to meet Yank but time changes everything. I joked with my homie that Yank's girl would be waiting for me at his crib with a bat, but I know it's not that deep...At least I hope not. Yank once told me that his girl's trippin days were over but I reminded him that woman's trippin days are never over. *sigh* I'm sure I'm the one who's trippin now, I'll have a good time regardless.
I'm on vacation until the 25th. YAAAYYY!!!
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Kids love Floam
I got this in my junk e-mail today. It makes me think of those old Ren and Stimpy cartoons with the commercials for 'Log' and 'Powdered Toast'. Hilarious. What an example of how the dumbest, most useless crap gets marketed to kids, and as kids we want it...All of it.
Anyway, on to me.
Cam called yesterday. It felt weird. Like he didn't want anything specific, just to chat--which is cool because we have good conversation. I just found is strange that he would call me after what was essentially a one night stand. To be honest, I had no intentions of calling him and I didn't expect to hear from him until he breezed thru Indy again (whenever that was) or maybe after a while he would ask me to come see him in Sidney (Ohio, that is). I guess my concern is that he's interested in starting a relationship with me. There's two reasons why I'm sure it would be a bad idea:
1. I just broke up with Steve and I am by all means "on the rebound".
2. Relationships that start out based on sex rarely pan out into anything meaningful or last long-term. At least none that I've had.
I assumed we both had the understanding that "it is what it is" and everybody goes home happy.
I guess I should stop analyzing and give things more time. I just don't want anyone trying to snag my freedom so soon after being on lock (and unhappy) for 2+ years.
Will somebody please tell me to lighten up?! :-)
Anyway, on to me.
Cam called yesterday. It felt weird. Like he didn't want anything specific, just to chat--which is cool because we have good conversation. I just found is strange that he would call me after what was essentially a one night stand. To be honest, I had no intentions of calling him and I didn't expect to hear from him until he breezed thru Indy again (whenever that was) or maybe after a while he would ask me to come see him in Sidney (Ohio, that is). I guess my concern is that he's interested in starting a relationship with me. There's two reasons why I'm sure it would be a bad idea:
1. I just broke up with Steve and I am by all means "on the rebound".
2. Relationships that start out based on sex rarely pan out into anything meaningful or last long-term. At least none that I've had.
I assumed we both had the understanding that "it is what it is" and everybody goes home happy.
I guess I should stop analyzing and give things more time. I just don't want anyone trying to snag my freedom so soon after being on lock (and unhappy) for 2+ years.
Will somebody please tell me to lighten up?! :-)
Monday, July 04, 2005
Amazing Grace
I knew the minute I saw him it was on. Cam. His name rhymes with damn for a reason.
I've known Cam for a while. I was surprised to see him at my family's cookout yesterday. So very pleasantly surprised.
His dreds are 8 years long and looked amazing. He looked amazing.
We've had a thing for each other for years but time and circumstances never allowed us to come together. At one point he had a girlfriend, then I had a boyfriend, then we both moved out of Ft. Wayne. Last night, we easily slipped into the pattern of our friendship--talking about music (mostly hip-hop), crackin' jokes, and giving each other the eye. He even showed some lyrics and let me listen to some music he's been working on. But you know what got me? The thing that sealed the deal? His freestyle. That may sound dumb to some people but if you have a love for good hip-hop, real hip-hop, then you can understand and respect a dope freestyle when you hear one. And that my friends, is why he's called "Amazing Grace". It's crazy to think how many dope rappers out there will never get signed...but I digress. Back to the cookout...
I wanted him, but didn't want to make the first move. I just sort of played along to see where things would go. And, I admit I was having some mixed emotions about the whole thing because I was in a very serious relationship with one of his best friends for about 5 years, but that ended like 3 1/2 years ago but still I didn't wanna come off as some ho who was tryna run through him and his crew.
When the cookout was over...food eaten, fireworks done, hours of flirting and vibing with him, I was still too nervous to make a move. I gave him a hug, said "It was nice to see you". He walked away from my car and at first, I thought, "well, that's that" but before I could drive away he knocked on my window. "I'm tryna roll with you", was all I needed to hear. I didn't say anything, I just unlocked the door.
The rest is history.
Today, I can't stop smiling.
Friday, July 01, 2005
What...ever.
Saw Steve today. He forgot to cancel his direct deposit so his paycheck was in my bank account. He met me at the bank with his new girl in tow **insert rolling eyes here***. She never looked up, seemed like she was scared or nervous--or at least I'd like to think she was. Steve looked the same, apathetic and dirty. Our transaction was brief, but I know him well enough to know he was hoping for some drama.
I handed him his money and walked away. We didn't say a word.
I was relieved to see that his girl looked dumpy. Mousy brown hair, nothing special. If I'd had the forethought to do it I would have wished her luck. She'll need it.
It stings just a little to think I was so quickly replaced, but that's to be expected I suppose, and I'm sure she's been around longer than I ever knew.
Ah...good riddance you fat bastard. This is the last time I'll mention you here.
I handed him his money and walked away. We didn't say a word.
I was relieved to see that his girl looked dumpy. Mousy brown hair, nothing special. If I'd had the forethought to do it I would have wished her luck. She'll need it.
It stings just a little to think I was so quickly replaced, but that's to be expected I suppose, and I'm sure she's been around longer than I ever knew.
Ah...good riddance you fat bastard. This is the last time I'll mention you here.
Monday, June 13, 2005
And just like that...
...He's gone.
3 weeks ago I had a boyfriend. Then he hacked my e-mail account and decided he'd had enough of my flirting, wait, I think he called it cheating. I called it none of his business. Then he called it quits. In the past 3 weeks I've seen him a total of 3 times for about 5 minutes each. And now I'm pretty sure I won't see him again.
It all happened so fast. I went through every emotion possible. I cried , I plotted revenge, thought of ways to make him stay. But in the end, I did nothing. I sat back and watched him leave.
Funny, I always thought our break-up would be high drama, maybe even violent but he moved all his stuff out while I was work, took nothing that was mine and destroyed no property.
He claims he has another girlfriend...An old ex. I'm not sure I buy that one but...Sure, ok.
I felt a bit nervous at the thought of starting over alone. Those feelings have since faded, and I can say I haven't felt this good the entire time we were together.
Then today, Yank's girl forbid him to speak to me anymore, and it seems that's the way it will be. I'd hate for them to end up like me and Steve, so I guess it's best for all if I just go away. It's really sad what jealousy and suspicion can do to people. I understand how she feels though, I've felt that way before, who hasn't? What I don't understand is why. If she knows that Yank doesn't feel the same things for me that I feel for him, then what's the problem? I'm only a threat if there's a danger that he could stray. I'd say 7 years together is a good indicator of where he wants to be. Still, I guess there's always temptation.
Good luck to them both.
Damn, I'm glad I'm single.
3 weeks ago I had a boyfriend. Then he hacked my e-mail account and decided he'd had enough of my flirting, wait, I think he called it cheating. I called it none of his business. Then he called it quits. In the past 3 weeks I've seen him a total of 3 times for about 5 minutes each. And now I'm pretty sure I won't see him again.
It all happened so fast. I went through every emotion possible. I cried , I plotted revenge, thought of ways to make him stay. But in the end, I did nothing. I sat back and watched him leave.
Funny, I always thought our break-up would be high drama, maybe even violent but he moved all his stuff out while I was work, took nothing that was mine and destroyed no property.
He claims he has another girlfriend...An old ex. I'm not sure I buy that one but...Sure, ok.
I felt a bit nervous at the thought of starting over alone. Those feelings have since faded, and I can say I haven't felt this good the entire time we were together.
Then today, Yank's girl forbid him to speak to me anymore, and it seems that's the way it will be. I'd hate for them to end up like me and Steve, so I guess it's best for all if I just go away. It's really sad what jealousy and suspicion can do to people. I understand how she feels though, I've felt that way before, who hasn't? What I don't understand is why. If she knows that Yank doesn't feel the same things for me that I feel for him, then what's the problem? I'm only a threat if there's a danger that he could stray. I'd say 7 years together is a good indicator of where he wants to be. Still, I guess there's always temptation.
Good luck to them both.
Damn, I'm glad I'm single.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Even with pinkeye
After a very nasty fight last weekend, Steve and I seemed to have reached a common ground. An understanding.
It's like all the things we've been wanting to say were finally said and we respected each other more in the aftermath. I told him how cold and callus he can be, he told me what a psycho bitch I am sometimes. Things we both already knew, but were glad to finally hear the other say.
The make-up sex lasted for two days and was incredible. Like both of our walls were finally, completely down. I can say I have never felt this way about him before. I knew things were different when I went to work the next day and got one of those cool flashbacks you only get after great sex. You know, those little pictures that flash in your mind from the night before. I never had a flashback with him before. Even now the thoughts make me smile.
In retrospect, I guess I should have know better than to start a fight before Mother's Day. Always a bad day for Steve. I really wish he would just talk to her and tell her exactly how he feels about the things she did. He says it's pointless. I think a weight would be lifted, but it's not my place to make things happen between them--thought I with I could.
But anyway, things have been very good this week. I found my favorite jeans--neatly folded in the drawer where I keep my T-shirts, how they got there I do not know. We got a cable modem this week too. So now blogging, surfing, and the like is a pleasure rather than a pain. Steve's little project is going smashingly--6 girls ,2 boys, and one hermaphrodite. Sweet.
I have a cold now, and pinkeye in both eyes but I'm still happy. I think the last time I had pinkeye I was in the 6th grade. I got it form one of my homies who brought her eyedrops to school. Nosy me wanted to look at them. I didn't stop to think how contagious they might be.
This time I'm not sure how I got it. Good news is, they sell pinkeye treatments over the counter now, so I saved a trip to the Dr., and shelling out bucks for visits and prescriptions.
It's so nice to have peace at home now.
It's like all the things we've been wanting to say were finally said and we respected each other more in the aftermath. I told him how cold and callus he can be, he told me what a psycho bitch I am sometimes. Things we both already knew, but were glad to finally hear the other say.
The make-up sex lasted for two days and was incredible. Like both of our walls were finally, completely down. I can say I have never felt this way about him before. I knew things were different when I went to work the next day and got one of those cool flashbacks you only get after great sex. You know, those little pictures that flash in your mind from the night before. I never had a flashback with him before. Even now the thoughts make me smile.
In retrospect, I guess I should have know better than to start a fight before Mother's Day. Always a bad day for Steve. I really wish he would just talk to her and tell her exactly how he feels about the things she did. He says it's pointless. I think a weight would be lifted, but it's not my place to make things happen between them--thought I with I could.
But anyway, things have been very good this week. I found my favorite jeans--neatly folded in the drawer where I keep my T-shirts, how they got there I do not know. We got a cable modem this week too. So now blogging, surfing, and the like is a pleasure rather than a pain. Steve's little project is going smashingly--6 girls ,2 boys, and one hermaphrodite. Sweet.
I have a cold now, and pinkeye in both eyes but I'm still happy. I think the last time I had pinkeye I was in the 6th grade. I got it form one of my homies who brought her eyedrops to school. Nosy me wanted to look at them. I didn't stop to think how contagious they might be.
This time I'm not sure how I got it. Good news is, they sell pinkeye treatments over the counter now, so I saved a trip to the Dr., and shelling out bucks for visits and prescriptions.
It's so nice to have peace at home now.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
My Jeans and My Fro
I still can't figure out how I managed to lose an entire pair of blue jeans. My favorite pair at that, so perfectly broken in, worn just right. Where the hell did they go? I've literally torn the house apart looking for them. Maybe they were too dirty, my mom used to say "Those jeans/socks/shoes etc, are so dirty they might get up and walk away". Maybe my jeans walked away? Maybe Steve sold them on eBay for weed. I dunno, I just want my damn jeans back. They must be in this house. I don't make a habit of taking my pants off and leaving them places, so you understand why my mind is boggled. I did get a new pair of jeans last week, maybe my old jeans got jealous and left. Damn, I shoulda told them I loved them when I had the chance.
In other news, I cut my hair off about 2 weeks ago. I was tired of it, bored with the style. So now I'm rockin a TWA (teeny weeny afro), not that teeny really, about 3 inches all around. I've worn my hair this way before but this time around I'm surprised that the reaction has been mostly positive-especially from black women, most of whom act like you set the race back 200 years if you wear your hair natural. Only one of my friends said he didn't like it, but I'm convinced that he's intimidated by the "pro-blackness" of my hairstyle. He also feels threatened by conrrows but I told him it's 'cause he watches too much racially biased television. He'll get over it.
It's funny how people treat you different just because you change your hair. Some dumbass at work gives me the "black power fist" every morning now, she never really spoke to me before. The other chicks in the office with natural hair stop by my desk and say 'Hi' now, guess I'm in the clique now. I got invited to a poetry slam last weekend, guess they thought I looked the part, that's weird.
All in all, I don't think it really matters how a black woman chooses to wear her hair. As long as none of it is rooted in self-hate. I mean, don't straighten your hair because you think the hair growing out of your head naturally is somehow not "good" enough. Straighten your hair because that's what the fuck you feel like doing this week.
I'm contemplating dred locks this time around. Such a commitment though. Commitment is definitely not one of my strong points. Why waste 5 years growin dreds if your just gonna cut em off right?
To each his own I guess.
Now where the hell are my jeans??!!!
In other news, I cut my hair off about 2 weeks ago. I was tired of it, bored with the style. So now I'm rockin a TWA (teeny weeny afro), not that teeny really, about 3 inches all around. I've worn my hair this way before but this time around I'm surprised that the reaction has been mostly positive-especially from black women, most of whom act like you set the race back 200 years if you wear your hair natural. Only one of my friends said he didn't like it, but I'm convinced that he's intimidated by the "pro-blackness" of my hairstyle. He also feels threatened by conrrows but I told him it's 'cause he watches too much racially biased television. He'll get over it.
It's funny how people treat you different just because you change your hair. Some dumbass at work gives me the "black power fist" every morning now, she never really spoke to me before. The other chicks in the office with natural hair stop by my desk and say 'Hi' now, guess I'm in the clique now. I got invited to a poetry slam last weekend, guess they thought I looked the part, that's weird.
All in all, I don't think it really matters how a black woman chooses to wear her hair. As long as none of it is rooted in self-hate. I mean, don't straighten your hair because you think the hair growing out of your head naturally is somehow not "good" enough. Straighten your hair because that's what the fuck you feel like doing this week.
I'm contemplating dred locks this time around. Such a commitment though. Commitment is definitely not one of my strong points. Why waste 5 years growin dreds if your just gonna cut em off right?
To each his own I guess.
Now where the hell are my jeans??!!!
Friday, April 15, 2005
Misery & Co.
Steve. I can't talk to him at all. All this miscommunication and non-communication has made me so tired.
I tried to talk to him last night. I see an addiction developing in him and it scares me. He sees my words as an attack, a guilt trip to bend him to my will. I want nothing of the sort. I want us to be safe and happy, without all the jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
I did stop trying for a while. I gave up on salvaging anything from this wreck, but something in me won't let go completely. I want to help him, save him even--but I can only change me...and I am most definitely changing.
I see him trying to kill the pain of his past instead of facing it head on. He seems blind to the fact that I understand how hard facing your fears can be. I've got my own to face, that's for sure.
He drains my energy. He never fails to say something negative to counter anything and everything I have to say. Just the other night, I talked to him about something a guy at work told me, just for laughs. He goes of on a rant about how stupid he thinks this guy is, someone he's never met. It's all so ridiculous, so unnecessary.
He twists my words and makes me the bad guy. No criticism can be constructive in his eyes. He invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling the way I do. Like I'm stupid to care about him.
It's like he just wants me to leave him alone and let him go down the wrong path. I would do that if I didn't care about him, if I didn't care what happens to him. He sees it as me trying to control him, but at the very least, as a friend, I am compelled to try and help him.
But, I am only human and I have my limits. I am no superhero, and I can't keep trying to save somebody that don't wanna be saved. Then there is the overwhelming guilt I feel at the
thought of leaving, like kicking a sick dog. Why do I feel so obligated to stay? I know if and when I leave I will be happier person. Does that make me selfish? Do I owe him anything?
Maybe I care too much and I just need to cut the cord and be done with it. It seems rational enough. I can't continue to put him first if he won't do the same for me.
Well, happy Friday anyway. Time will work this out.
I tried to talk to him last night. I see an addiction developing in him and it scares me. He sees my words as an attack, a guilt trip to bend him to my will. I want nothing of the sort. I want us to be safe and happy, without all the jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
I did stop trying for a while. I gave up on salvaging anything from this wreck, but something in me won't let go completely. I want to help him, save him even--but I can only change me...and I am most definitely changing.
I see him trying to kill the pain of his past instead of facing it head on. He seems blind to the fact that I understand how hard facing your fears can be. I've got my own to face, that's for sure.
He drains my energy. He never fails to say something negative to counter anything and everything I have to say. Just the other night, I talked to him about something a guy at work told me, just for laughs. He goes of on a rant about how stupid he thinks this guy is, someone he's never met. It's all so ridiculous, so unnecessary.
He twists my words and makes me the bad guy. No criticism can be constructive in his eyes. He invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling the way I do. Like I'm stupid to care about him.
It's like he just wants me to leave him alone and let him go down the wrong path. I would do that if I didn't care about him, if I didn't care what happens to him. He sees it as me trying to control him, but at the very least, as a friend, I am compelled to try and help him.
But, I am only human and I have my limits. I am no superhero, and I can't keep trying to save somebody that don't wanna be saved. Then there is the overwhelming guilt I feel at the
thought of leaving, like kicking a sick dog. Why do I feel so obligated to stay? I know if and when I leave I will be happier person. Does that make me selfish? Do I owe him anything?
Maybe I care too much and I just need to cut the cord and be done with it. It seems rational enough. I can't continue to put him first if he won't do the same for me.
Well, happy Friday anyway. Time will work this out.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Jiminny Cricket had tricks up his sleeve.
In the interest of not always bitching and whining in my blog I've decided to put some of my wishes out in the universe and see what comes back. I guess in a way I'm still bitching and whining--but whatever.
I wish...
...I had a restaurant style soda fountain in my home. Diet soda from the fountain is oh so much tastier than the stuff in can or plastic bottles. mmmmm bubbles.
...'Him' would leave his girl forever and fall madly in love with me--forever. I know, I know, it's pure fantasy. Who wants to gain a new man that way? But honestly, for him, I wouldn't really care. Guess we should meet first, huh?
...The outside temperature would never fall below 70 for the next 6 months.
...I could turn 30 again this year, I need a do over.
...My mom would stop sending me chain e-mails about God, Jesus, Praying, and blind faith.
...My dad would...nevermind, I been wishin' that wish for 30 years and still nothing.
...I could stop being so sensitive, self-conscious, and apathetic. (not just wishing--I'm working on it).
...I had a sporty, silver, mini-cooper and $5000 gas card.
...G-Dubya would keel over. Right now.
...Democrats were the majority again.
...Right-wingers, revolutionaries, pseudo-scientists, activists, rebels, etc, etc., would all just get over their high and mighty bullshit, can the lame rhetoric, and start treating people as equals. Just follow the "mind your business" policy and we'll all live happily, ever, after.
...Everyone would watch "Bowling for Columbine".
and Finally,
...I wish the following people all of the love, good-fortune and happiness in the world: Badili,Tavares, Derek, Jason, James, Keino,Sauda, Leigh, Aretina, Chuck, Da'kim (Chavin),Willie, Jamie, Cassandra, Crystal, James, Brandon, Michael, Cheryl, Jonathan,Rob, Richard, David, Ed, Melvin, Glover, and Ryan. Smootchie bootchies y'all.
I wish...
...I had a restaurant style soda fountain in my home. Diet soda from the fountain is oh so much tastier than the stuff in can or plastic bottles. mmmmm bubbles.
...'Him' would leave his girl forever and fall madly in love with me--forever. I know, I know, it's pure fantasy. Who wants to gain a new man that way? But honestly, for him, I wouldn't really care. Guess we should meet first, huh?
...The outside temperature would never fall below 70 for the next 6 months.
...I could turn 30 again this year, I need a do over.
...My mom would stop sending me chain e-mails about God, Jesus, Praying, and blind faith.
...My dad would...nevermind, I been wishin' that wish for 30 years and still nothing.
...I could stop being so sensitive, self-conscious, and apathetic. (not just wishing--I'm working on it).
...I had a sporty, silver, mini-cooper and $5000 gas card.
...G-Dubya would keel over. Right now.
...Democrats were the majority again.
...Right-wingers, revolutionaries, pseudo-scientists, activists, rebels, etc, etc., would all just get over their high and mighty bullshit, can the lame rhetoric, and start treating people as equals. Just follow the "mind your business" policy and we'll all live happily, ever, after.
...Everyone would watch "Bowling for Columbine".
and Finally,
...I wish the following people all of the love, good-fortune and happiness in the world: Badili,Tavares, Derek, Jason, James, Keino,Sauda, Leigh, Aretina, Chuck, Da'kim (Chavin),Willie, Jamie, Cassandra, Crystal, James, Brandon, Michael, Cheryl, Jonathan,Rob, Richard, David, Ed, Melvin, Glover, and Ryan. Smootchie bootchies y'all.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Grrrrr.
So many frustrations today.
My man is seeking work, again. I can't help but feel the pressure of our financial responsibilities closing in on me. I can only hope he finds work quickly and try to be patient so as not to strain our already delicate relationship.
Nextly, the route I drive to work everyday is completely bogged down by construction and it takes me much longer to get to work--which means getting up earlier and I am NOT a morning person. I've tried alternate routes but they seem to be even slower.
Which brings me to gas prices, currently $2.16 for unleaded where I am. I know that maybe be minimal compared to elsewhere, but it's enough to put a dent in my wallet and limit my extracurricular travel during the week. I heard on the radio that if you can manage to get everyone--or almost everyone to not buy gas for one full day it would cause a 30 cent reduction in gas prices. C'mon people--let's organize a gas out!
Lastly, this brain dead moron at work offers me some form of sugar every single day (I swear). Yesterday cookies, the day before cake, and today donuts. I tell her everyday, no thank you, please don't offer me your "drugs", I'm anti-sugar right now. It's like she doesn't even hear me.
Why are so people always so eager to sabotage the efforts of another?
*sigh*
ok, there. I got that out of me. With all that being said, I do still have good reason to be happy. I got an awesome new walkman last month and I swear you can shake that thing like a tambourine and it never skips and even the cheapest, off brand,dollar store batteries last forever in it. Also, some of my favorites bands/singers have new albums out or forthcoming: Bjork, Queens of the Stone Age, and Daft Punk. Those 3 alone will be enough to my stress packing.
My man is seeking work, again. I can't help but feel the pressure of our financial responsibilities closing in on me. I can only hope he finds work quickly and try to be patient so as not to strain our already delicate relationship.
Nextly, the route I drive to work everyday is completely bogged down by construction and it takes me much longer to get to work--which means getting up earlier and I am NOT a morning person. I've tried alternate routes but they seem to be even slower.
Which brings me to gas prices, currently $2.16 for unleaded where I am. I know that maybe be minimal compared to elsewhere, but it's enough to put a dent in my wallet and limit my extracurricular travel during the week. I heard on the radio that if you can manage to get everyone--or almost everyone to not buy gas for one full day it would cause a 30 cent reduction in gas prices. C'mon people--let's organize a gas out!
Lastly, this brain dead moron at work offers me some form of sugar every single day (I swear). Yesterday cookies, the day before cake, and today donuts. I tell her everyday, no thank you, please don't offer me your "drugs", I'm anti-sugar right now. It's like she doesn't even hear me.
Why are so people always so eager to sabotage the efforts of another?
*sigh*
ok, there. I got that out of me. With all that being said, I do still have good reason to be happy. I got an awesome new walkman last month and I swear you can shake that thing like a tambourine and it never skips and even the cheapest, off brand,dollar store batteries last forever in it. Also, some of my favorites bands/singers have new albums out or forthcoming: Bjork, Queens of the Stone Age, and Daft Punk. Those 3 alone will be enough to my stress packing.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Just for the record
I would never, ever, want to be kept alive by any artificial means.
Remember the episode of the twilight zone when the guy gets in a car wreck (or something)--his eyes are open, he can see, but he can't move or speak. I think he eventually gets buried, all the while screaming in his head "I'm not dead."
Though I can't know for sure, I can only imagine that that's what it would be like if you lived your life on a respirator or a feeding tube.
Remember the episode of the twilight zone when the guy gets in a car wreck (or something)--his eyes are open, he can see, but he can't move or speak. I think he eventually gets buried, all the while screaming in his head "I'm not dead."
Though I can't know for sure, I can only imagine that that's what it would be like if you lived your life on a respirator or a feeding tube.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Quitter
The name Jaribu means "One who tries"(Swahili). I'm sure my mother gave me this moniker hoping that it would ring true in my life.
I'm sorry to say it hasn't. I'm a notorious quitter. I won't bother to list the many projects, hobbies, life goals, etc that I've started and stopped all because things became to difficult or inconvenient for me.
My current boyfriend is the only person who has, thus far, openly pointed this out to me. I couldn't do anything but agree with him.
Wonder why no one else has? Not even my mother or my brother.
I haven't always been a quitter at everything. I've managed to achieve some success in school, work, and my life in general.
I do stop to think that these successes could have been greater with a little more perseverance.
But how does one quit quitting?
I'm sorry to say it hasn't. I'm a notorious quitter. I won't bother to list the many projects, hobbies, life goals, etc that I've started and stopped all because things became to difficult or inconvenient for me.
My current boyfriend is the only person who has, thus far, openly pointed this out to me. I couldn't do anything but agree with him.
Wonder why no one else has? Not even my mother or my brother.
I haven't always been a quitter at everything. I've managed to achieve some success in school, work, and my life in general.
I do stop to think that these successes could have been greater with a little more perseverance.
But how does one quit quitting?
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Amazing what a little bass can do
Last weekend me and and my dude got a 5-disc CD changer and two tower speakers to go with our A/V receiver.
This has brought on a sudden change in him. He has begun to demonstrate the power of BASS.
Previously he has been a die-hard, hardcore, metal head. Slipknot, Mudvayne, Soulfly--all unknown to me until we met. The louder the better. The more screaming, hatred, and anger expressed, the better.
I can't say that his music is my cup of tea, but some of it has grown on me--like a fungus.
And until now, he has has shown no love for the jazz-influenced, sample-saavy, hip-hop beats that I love so well. I thought all hope was lost.
Then we get this new stereo set up and the first CD he plays is Trick Daddy-Thug Holiday.
I'm thinking--WTF???
Mind you, this kind of hip-hop is not for me, but apparently he has kept his love hidden from me all this time. I'm not sure why, maybe he wanted to avoid any misconception that he's tryna "act black". Which would be weird since my current music choices could lead to me being labled as "acting white".
So anyway, over the course of the weekend he digs deeper into his CD collection bringing out Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Snoop Dogg, he even nabs a Nappy Roots CD out of my collection which I had long since put away (one hit wonders if you ask me). Slowly but surely all the discs in the changer change from metal to rap. Gangsta rap at that.
He now has what I can only call soul power. It's shown me a new side. A side I'm very glad to see. It's a nice break from all the "hate music".
We both smile and bob our heads along to the bass heavy beats.
I do wish he would develop a taste for my hip-hop i.e, De la Soul, Tribe called Quest, Black Star, etc., but he was born in 1981, so I understand why it remains unknown to him.
Who knew gansta rap would bring us closer.
This has brought on a sudden change in him. He has begun to demonstrate the power of BASS.
Previously he has been a die-hard, hardcore, metal head. Slipknot, Mudvayne, Soulfly--all unknown to me until we met. The louder the better. The more screaming, hatred, and anger expressed, the better.
I can't say that his music is my cup of tea, but some of it has grown on me--like a fungus.
And until now, he has has shown no love for the jazz-influenced, sample-saavy, hip-hop beats that I love so well. I thought all hope was lost.
Then we get this new stereo set up and the first CD he plays is Trick Daddy-Thug Holiday.
I'm thinking--WTF???
Mind you, this kind of hip-hop is not for me, but apparently he has kept his love hidden from me all this time. I'm not sure why, maybe he wanted to avoid any misconception that he's tryna "act black". Which would be weird since my current music choices could lead to me being labled as "acting white".
So anyway, over the course of the weekend he digs deeper into his CD collection bringing out Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Snoop Dogg, he even nabs a Nappy Roots CD out of my collection which I had long since put away (one hit wonders if you ask me). Slowly but surely all the discs in the changer change from metal to rap. Gangsta rap at that.
He now has what I can only call soul power. It's shown me a new side. A side I'm very glad to see. It's a nice break from all the "hate music".
We both smile and bob our heads along to the bass heavy beats.
I do wish he would develop a taste for my hip-hop i.e, De la Soul, Tribe called Quest, Black Star, etc., but he was born in 1981, so I understand why it remains unknown to him.
Who knew gansta rap would bring us closer.
Friday, March 04, 2005
My best friends
I have had many. I guess that means I'm not very good at keeping them.
My very first best friend was a boy named Arthur, we were thick as thieves until he kissed me, then I beat him up and never talked to him again. We were five.
My next best friend was Leigh. She was cool. She was just as rebellious, and outcast as me so we bonded right away. Then she started liking boys, experimenting with drugs, and moved to Georgia. I was afraid of the direction she was going in so I stopped talking to her. We were 12.
After that I was pretty much a loner. I hung out with my brother and his friends (when my brother let me), other than that I kept to myself, usually in my room with my nose stuck in a book. I hung out with a sister of my brother's friend for a while in high school, but she got pregnant and dropped out our senior year. Needless to say we didn't have much in common since i was going to college and she was having a baby. We drifted apart.
I went to college and after a crazy freshman year I met "The Crew". Sauda, Tina, Chuck and Keino. I swore that these would be my homies fo' life. That didn't happen, Chuck moved to ATl and forgot about me. Sauda and Keino had a baby thus disintegrating their relationship and drawing a line down the middle of the crew. For a while I stood on Sauda's side. Tina decied that she was a lesbian and moved to ATL too. I tired, hard, to keep in touch with all of them but my efforts were in vain. I'd be hard pressed to tell you where any of them are now.
Then there was Derek. My longest lasting, bestest, best friend. Losing him was entirely my fault. He moved to Florida and when he did I made no effort to keep in touch. I knew it hurt him--it hurt me too. But stupid me figured it was better than having to say goodbye.
So here I am, no best friend, scared to find another. Fear is a bitch.
Wondering where my formers are now. I love you all and wish you peace.
My boyfriend has had the same best friend since the 2nd grade. I envy their bond.
If I've learned one thing from all of this it's to be a better friend and to never let go so easily.
My very first best friend was a boy named Arthur, we were thick as thieves until he kissed me, then I beat him up and never talked to him again. We were five.
My next best friend was Leigh. She was cool. She was just as rebellious, and outcast as me so we bonded right away. Then she started liking boys, experimenting with drugs, and moved to Georgia. I was afraid of the direction she was going in so I stopped talking to her. We were 12.
After that I was pretty much a loner. I hung out with my brother and his friends (when my brother let me), other than that I kept to myself, usually in my room with my nose stuck in a book. I hung out with a sister of my brother's friend for a while in high school, but she got pregnant and dropped out our senior year. Needless to say we didn't have much in common since i was going to college and she was having a baby. We drifted apart.
I went to college and after a crazy freshman year I met "The Crew". Sauda, Tina, Chuck and Keino. I swore that these would be my homies fo' life. That didn't happen, Chuck moved to ATl and forgot about me. Sauda and Keino had a baby thus disintegrating their relationship and drawing a line down the middle of the crew. For a while I stood on Sauda's side. Tina decied that she was a lesbian and moved to ATL too. I tired, hard, to keep in touch with all of them but my efforts were in vain. I'd be hard pressed to tell you where any of them are now.
Then there was Derek. My longest lasting, bestest, best friend. Losing him was entirely my fault. He moved to Florida and when he did I made no effort to keep in touch. I knew it hurt him--it hurt me too. But stupid me figured it was better than having to say goodbye.
So here I am, no best friend, scared to find another. Fear is a bitch.
Wondering where my formers are now. I love you all and wish you peace.
My boyfriend has had the same best friend since the 2nd grade. I envy their bond.
If I've learned one thing from all of this it's to be a better friend and to never let go so easily.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Him
He makes me want to be a better person.
I know, it's corny, it's cliche-- but it's exactly how I feel about the man who is not my boyfriend.
He is, in a word, amazing. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, and he's taught me more than he'll probably ever know. He incredibly smart, funny, driven, and so completely confident sometimes I wonder where he got his giant ego--but he's never conceited.
He tells me to go back to school, to not eat meat, and to stop being such a punk. LOL. And I've listened to every piece of advice he's ever given me. Now, I don't always follow his words, but I always, always listen.
He shows up in my dreams so often it's become commonplace for me to see him there. He makes me look forward to dreaming.
Funny thing is, I've never really seen his face. I've seen pictures and heard his voice on the phone, but we've never met in person.
I sound obsessed right? In a way, I am, and have been from the first day we talked. But...I've let so many things come between us. The distance, the time, and my own horrible lack of self-confidence. Over time, I have convinced myself that I could never be anything he needed. I even worry that the friendship we have could be ruined by an in person meeting--like I could never live up to any expectation he has of me. Thing is, I don't really know what he expects, or if he has any expectations at all.
Am I being silly? Over anxious? Way too emotional?
Probably.
I know, it's corny, it's cliche-- but it's exactly how I feel about the man who is not my boyfriend.
He is, in a word, amazing. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, and he's taught me more than he'll probably ever know. He incredibly smart, funny, driven, and so completely confident sometimes I wonder where he got his giant ego--but he's never conceited.
He tells me to go back to school, to not eat meat, and to stop being such a punk. LOL. And I've listened to every piece of advice he's ever given me. Now, I don't always follow his words, but I always, always listen.
He shows up in my dreams so often it's become commonplace for me to see him there. He makes me look forward to dreaming.
Funny thing is, I've never really seen his face. I've seen pictures and heard his voice on the phone, but we've never met in person.
I sound obsessed right? In a way, I am, and have been from the first day we talked. But...I've let so many things come between us. The distance, the time, and my own horrible lack of self-confidence. Over time, I have convinced myself that I could never be anything he needed. I even worry that the friendship we have could be ruined by an in person meeting--like I could never live up to any expectation he has of me. Thing is, I don't really know what he expects, or if he has any expectations at all.
Am I being silly? Over anxious? Way too emotional?
Probably.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Crazy Dreams
I had two really weird dreams last night.
First, I'm at this club, and Kanye West shows up. He's looking for girls with "real breasts" for his next video. He looks at me and asks "You interested?". I say, "No, not really." He's says, "Are yours real?". I say, " Yeah". He jumps up on the bar pointing at me sayin' "This is what I'm talkin' 'bout people, 100% natural, no silicone, no plastic." At this point I'm totally embarrassed and try to leave the bar, but he follows me to door, asking questions about my breasts and trying to touch them. Finally, he's like " I gotta see 'em." and tries to lift up my shirt (which seemed to be about 3 sizes too small). I'm like, "Dude!!! you are so out of order right now." He apologizes and says "You a cool chick, Imma see if i can swing you". I had no idea what this meant but soon discovered that it meant he was literally gonna swing me around, like a tossed midget or something. Anyway, he reels back and throws me into the air, I land on a chair in the lobby of the club. Then i woke up.
WTF???
Ok, next dream. I'm in the basement of my grandfather's house, getting ready to go to sleep. When I hear someone ring the doorbell. I go upstairs to see whose car is out front, I see a Red Nova--don't know whose car it is, so I wait at the top of the stairs to see if anyone else heard the doorbell. My grandfather gets up, he looks at me, doesn't say anything and goes about the house collecting weapons-swords, guns, knives, and a box of club-sized bats labled "wife beaters. "My mom grabs a "wife beater", I grab a "wife beater" and a knife and go back downstairs. I look out the basement window and see a guy who appears to be dressed as 'The Scorpion King' with a large sword and a bow stalking around my grandparents back yard looking for a way in. I get scared and go around the house closing all the curtains. My grandfather is sitting in his chair in the living room loading a shotgun. Then I woke up.
Again, WTF?? The Scorpion King?? I've never even seen that movie. And why was he driving a Red Nova? LOL!
I have no reasonable translation for either of these.
First, I'm at this club, and Kanye West shows up. He's looking for girls with "real breasts" for his next video. He looks at me and asks "You interested?". I say, "No, not really." He's says, "Are yours real?". I say, " Yeah". He jumps up on the bar pointing at me sayin' "This is what I'm talkin' 'bout people, 100% natural, no silicone, no plastic." At this point I'm totally embarrassed and try to leave the bar, but he follows me to door, asking questions about my breasts and trying to touch them. Finally, he's like " I gotta see 'em." and tries to lift up my shirt (which seemed to be about 3 sizes too small). I'm like, "Dude!!! you are so out of order right now." He apologizes and says "You a cool chick, Imma see if i can swing you". I had no idea what this meant but soon discovered that it meant he was literally gonna swing me around, like a tossed midget or something. Anyway, he reels back and throws me into the air, I land on a chair in the lobby of the club. Then i woke up.
WTF???
Ok, next dream. I'm in the basement of my grandfather's house, getting ready to go to sleep. When I hear someone ring the doorbell. I go upstairs to see whose car is out front, I see a Red Nova--don't know whose car it is, so I wait at the top of the stairs to see if anyone else heard the doorbell. My grandfather gets up, he looks at me, doesn't say anything and goes about the house collecting weapons-swords, guns, knives, and a box of club-sized bats labled "wife beaters. "My mom grabs a "wife beater", I grab a "wife beater" and a knife and go back downstairs. I look out the basement window and see a guy who appears to be dressed as 'The Scorpion King' with a large sword and a bow stalking around my grandparents back yard looking for a way in. I get scared and go around the house closing all the curtains. My grandfather is sitting in his chair in the living room loading a shotgun. Then I woke up.
Again, WTF?? The Scorpion King?? I've never even seen that movie. And why was he driving a Red Nova? LOL!
I have no reasonable translation for either of these.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Lo carb and hatin' it.
I said I would never do it. I would never jump on the lo carb band wagon...but here I am strapped in and along for the ride--by no choice of my own mind you.
My doctor put me on a no sugar kick--'cause i eat too much sugar/carbs, etc and diabetes runs in the fam. sooooooo, for two weeks--no sugar, no carbs. nothin of the sort. not even fruit--he says fruit could trigger cravings for sugar.
so what am i eating? fish, chicken, nuts, seeds, cheese, vegetables. for 2 weeks. today is the first day and my body is screaming for sugar right now.
It's weird though, now that I'm not eating that stuff--I'm not very hungry. maybe there's something to all this lo carb madness???
i guess that remains to be seen.
My doctor put me on a no sugar kick--'cause i eat too much sugar/carbs, etc and diabetes runs in the fam. sooooooo, for two weeks--no sugar, no carbs. nothin of the sort. not even fruit--he says fruit could trigger cravings for sugar.
so what am i eating? fish, chicken, nuts, seeds, cheese, vegetables. for 2 weeks. today is the first day and my body is screaming for sugar right now.
It's weird though, now that I'm not eating that stuff--I'm not very hungry. maybe there's something to all this lo carb madness???
i guess that remains to be seen.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
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