Man, I feel like Chester the Molester

Side note: I'm seriously considering changing the title of this blog to "Blogs about boys"--but then I'd be obligated right? :-)

Anyway, I went to a show this weekend (part of the Indianapolis Hip-Hop Festival), and I watched a group called "Sub-Surface" do their thang. I was immediately drawn to one of their emcees, yes, he had dread locks and was awfully good looking- so you already know. Dude had nice flows, his lyrics seemed thoughtful and well written. I was impressed, and I'm thinking this guy looks strangely familiar but I can't place the face. They perform a few songs, I'm diggin' their style, so I get the hookup from a friend and go backstage. I find the dude from Sub-Surface and I'm like "Hi, good show, I like your music." We make introductions and chat about music and things. Then out of no where he says"Oh my god, I know you. You don't recognize me do you?", with this big grin on his face. I'm a little puzzled by the grin so I stand there speechless, thinking, you know something I don't?

Long story short, turns out I used to babysit this guy when he was like 7 years old. I was probably 13 or so at the time. I remember him as a skinny, snaggle-toothed, little boy who always tried to open the door when I was using the bathroom and did just about everything else he could to drive me insane. His dad owned a clothing boutique and would totally over pay me and usually bring me something new whenever he picked up his son.

I immediately felt like a dirty old woman. Granted, he's a grown man now, but once I realized who he was I couldn't stop seeing him as a little boy. I felt weird about finding him attractive and treating him like a potential suitor. Knowing who he was took the wind out of my sails. Frankly, it creeped me out and I felt like a bit of a pedophile. It's silly I know, but when he asked if he could call me sometime I lied and told him I had a boyfriend. We exchanged e-mail addresses though, and I'll keep in touch.

Small world.

Perspective

Sometimes all it takes for you to think another way is someone else's point of view.

I was talking to my one and only female friend (you may call her The Princess) about my favorite mistake. My favorite mistake is this guy I dated about 7 years ago. He's the one and only man I've ever seriously considered marriage for. He taught me everything I ever wanted to know about sex (but was afraid to ask, ha ha) and he's the first guy I ever felt completely secure with, he never made me feel like there was anything he didn't like or would change about me. We never had any serious fights, just serious talks. We were together for 5 years, went through hell and back relationship wise and it ended with me feeling emotionally battered. I convinced myself that the whole relationship happened because I was young, gullible, and eager to please. That things only went down the way they did because I let them. And of course I swore I would never be that silly little girl again.

From time to time, my favorite mistake resurfaces. Usually unexpectedly, catching me off guard. Instead of hanging up the phone or telling him to catch fire and burn, I always give him the time of day. Like he deserves it. It sounds sappy and weak, but when I hear his voice or see his face I feel powerless. I want him all over again. In my head I'm thinking "be mean to him, hurt his feelings". Instead I find myself smiling, laughing at his same old jokes, reminiscing about how cool things used to be between us.

He inevitably suggests that we should be together again. That things could be as cool as they used to be, even cooler because now we're both more mature and ready to take things seriously. And I find myself considering it, every time.

I asked The Princess, "Why him? Why is he the only one I can't seem to shake off. Any other ex either gets the boot or lands securely in 'the friend zone' never to return"

She says, "It's easy, he's the love of your life. He was supposed to be 'The One' and it's not unreasonable that you have a hard time letting that go".

I honestly never thought of him that way until she said it out loud and as much as I hate to admit it, she's right.

While we're not getting back together-- I'm not THAT weak-- I feel like less of a punk for letting him hang around in my life, now that she put it in perspective.

Thanks Princess. :-)

Balls don't equal brains

"Just A Girl" - by No Doubt

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to!

Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!

Dealing with car repair causes me more anxiety than public speaking. I'm immediately on the defensive because I'm convinced the bill is being padded simply because I'm a female who doesn't know any better.

I know a little about cars. Enough to change my own oil and keep up with routine maintenance. Hell, I can even change a serpentine belt if given the time, but I am by no means a mechanic so I still have to leave major repairs to the pros.

This time it's the mother of all repairs--transmission. I'm anticipating paying at least a G, probably more, to fix my car's current condition. Even so, no one seems eager to help me. I've called 4 different mechanics in the last 4 days in attempt to get my car towed and at the very least looked at to verify the problem. How come no one wants to take my money? Would I get different service if a man called for me?

This leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless. My mother makes matters worse by telling me to wear a "wedding ring", and tell the tow truck driver that my husband will be home from vacation tomorrow. I get so angry when she says things like that but I know she's probably right--and it sucks. Why do I have to fake like I'm just a girl?

Boys Cheat

Years ago, after a bad break up I bought a bright orange hoodie that had "BOYS CHEAT" written across the front. I wore the hoodie to a party. People's reactions ran the gammit. Some girls laughed, some gave me knowing looks, some were like "I love your shirt", "Right on girl". The boys reactions cracked me up. I got everything from dirty looks, to"Nice shirt" and "Hey! Girls cheat too!" (no shit). In general women, were overwhelmingly positive while men acted as if they didn't appreciate being outed. But it's kind of like the whole rappers calling women bitches thing. If it doesn't apply to you, you shouldn't be offended.

Alabama

"Can I see your passport please?"

My first impression is...Damn, Huntsville is dark. Street lights are apparently considered unnecessary in the south. Lots, of hills, twists, turns and wide open spaces. My second impression is that these folks loooooove them some Jesus. There were churches everywhere. And the cotton field behind Neil's house kinda blew my mind but I guess if people want new clothes they still gotta grow cotton somewhere.

I got to Neil's place around mid-nightish. Neils is taller and way skinnier in person. We bypassed handshake formalities and hugged like old friends. We blazed almost immediately, then as expected we just kicked it- plain and simple. Neils has a head full of ideas, dreams, and stories so it was easy to find things to talk about. We had many laughs at the expense of Nigerian men and passport disposal. We also ate at a sweet Thai place called 'Surin'--the Chicken Curry was outstanding and the wait staff moved so fast I swore some of them were flying.

Neils is pretty much the chillest, sweetest, dude I've met in a long time. No drama, no attitude, no problem. When I got scared while roaming an unfamiliar cave all he had to say was, "Trust me" and I was down to keep moving. I could kick it with Neils everyday and never get tired of his company. He does sleep more than most newborns and his apartment was like tryptophan, but sleep can be hard to come by in the real world so I was more than happy to catch up on my vacation. There's still much about Neils that remains a mystery but I look forward to getting to know him better in time. Neils seems like an open book and I'm sure it's just a matter of asking what I want to know.

And then... There was Yank. *Sigh* This dude....Man, I almost don't know what to say. Yank should have his picture in the dictionary next to the word antagonist.

He wasn't as tall as I thought he would be. Definitely not as menacing as his constant shit talking would suggest. In fact besides the facial hair he has the face of a child. So adorable. I figure he knows this and tries to counter act this sweetness by relentlessly reminding everyone how hard he really is, but eyes reveal a kindness that can't be countered by anything he says.

Speaking of what he says--I can honestly say he gave me shit about everything from the minute we met. My height, my clothes, my "punkish" ways, my music choices, etc, etc,etc. His teasing was non-stop. Then of course I had to hear is about every pro and con stance he takes on how life is. All in good fun mind you, I didn't take much of it seriously. The spiel about the war between modern women and men was hilarious. I'm thinkin', dude, you sound like someone who's had his heart recently broken--but hey, I know you're too hard for that right? Then the part about how I (and everyone else) should stop smoking weed. We'll never see eye to eye on that one homie, but I can say I understand and appreciate where you're coming from, and remember--I'm not a hype!

At times, he seemed very guarded. Like there were things about him that he wasn't ready to show me. He definitely had issues about letting me take pictures of him and he never let me see his reptile collection. Both of which I found disappointing but by no means detracted from our over all good time.

Aside from his constant ribbing it was awesome to hang out with him. He provided me with one of my most memorable moments on the trip. He made me a CD entitled 'Prayer'. The first track immediately made all heads in the car start bobbin'; Hootie-hoooooo. That song made me smile. Then, when he slipped in 'Champagne Supernova', I realized he's probably not the music snob he appears to be. It's like hip-hop is his wife and he doesn't want to get caught cheating, or speaking as highly of another woman. It's all good homie, we all know how much you love her.

Once, and only once, at the Waffle House, I felt a spark of something old. It was cool to feel it again, if only for the moment.

Now, I have a confession. I like to argue with Yank as much as he likes to bait me. It's like an infinite game of chess and I'm almost always in check.

Yank's girl (um..Ex-girl?) fell through while I was there. Our meeting was brief and not really worth mentioning, pretty much as expected. I gotta wonder if that would've gone down differently if the circumstances hadn't changed. ?.

So that's Alabama. Assuming my homies dug me as much as I dug them I'll definitely be bouncin' through there again. Oh yeah, I should mention that the hike we took completely kicked my ass and I'm very glad Indiana land is so flat.

Finally

I woke up with a sprained ankle today. How does that happen you ask? Beats the hell out of me, it was fine when I went to sleep last night. I've become to used to the myriad of medical oddities that have happened to me over my lifetime so I guess waking up with a sprained ankle after no strenuous physical activity is par for the course.

Oh well, I'm on my way to Alabama on Friday. I'm sure a much more interesting post will follow.