I still can't figure out how I managed to lose an entire pair of blue jeans. My favorite pair at that, so perfectly broken in, worn just right. Where the hell did they go? I've literally torn the house apart looking for them. Maybe they were too dirty, my mom used to say "Those jeans/socks/shoes etc, are so dirty they might get up and walk away". Maybe my jeans walked away? Maybe Steve sold them on eBay for weed. I dunno, I just want my damn jeans back. They must be in this house. I don't make a habit of taking my pants off and leaving them places, so you understand why my mind is boggled. I did get a new pair of jeans last week, maybe my old jeans got jealous and left. Damn, I shoulda told them I loved them when I had the chance.
In other news, I cut my hair off about 2 weeks ago. I was tired of it, bored with the style. So now I'm rockin a TWA (teeny weeny afro), not that teeny really, about 3 inches all around. I've worn my hair this way before but this time around I'm surprised that the reaction has been mostly positive-especially from black women, most of whom act like you set the race back 200 years if you wear your hair natural. Only one of my friends said he didn't like it, but I'm convinced that he's intimidated by the "pro-blackness" of my hairstyle. He also feels threatened by conrrows but I told him it's 'cause he watches too much racially biased television. He'll get over it.
It's funny how people treat you different just because you change your hair. Some dumbass at work gives me the "black power fist" every morning now, she never really spoke to me before. The other chicks in the office with natural hair stop by my desk and say 'Hi' now, guess I'm in the clique now. I got invited to a poetry slam last weekend, guess they thought I looked the part, that's weird.
All in all, I don't think it really matters how a black woman chooses to wear her hair. As long as none of it is rooted in self-hate. I mean, don't straighten your hair because you think the hair growing out of your head naturally is somehow not "good" enough. Straighten your hair because that's what the fuck you feel like doing this week.
I'm contemplating dred locks this time around. Such a commitment though. Commitment is definitely not one of my strong points. Why waste 5 years growin dreds if your just gonna cut em off right?
To each his own I guess.
Now where the hell are my jeans??!!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
Misery & Co.
Steve. I can't talk to him at all. All this miscommunication and non-communication has made me so tired.
I tried to talk to him last night. I see an addiction developing in him and it scares me. He sees my words as an attack, a guilt trip to bend him to my will. I want nothing of the sort. I want us to be safe and happy, without all the jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
I did stop trying for a while. I gave up on salvaging anything from this wreck, but something in me won't let go completely. I want to help him, save him even--but I can only change me...and I am most definitely changing.
I see him trying to kill the pain of his past instead of facing it head on. He seems blind to the fact that I understand how hard facing your fears can be. I've got my own to face, that's for sure.
He drains my energy. He never fails to say something negative to counter anything and everything I have to say. Just the other night, I talked to him about something a guy at work told me, just for laughs. He goes of on a rant about how stupid he thinks this guy is, someone he's never met. It's all so ridiculous, so unnecessary.
He twists my words and makes me the bad guy. No criticism can be constructive in his eyes. He invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling the way I do. Like I'm stupid to care about him.
It's like he just wants me to leave him alone and let him go down the wrong path. I would do that if I didn't care about him, if I didn't care what happens to him. He sees it as me trying to control him, but at the very least, as a friend, I am compelled to try and help him.
But, I am only human and I have my limits. I am no superhero, and I can't keep trying to save somebody that don't wanna be saved. Then there is the overwhelming guilt I feel at the
thought of leaving, like kicking a sick dog. Why do I feel so obligated to stay? I know if and when I leave I will be happier person. Does that make me selfish? Do I owe him anything?
Maybe I care too much and I just need to cut the cord and be done with it. It seems rational enough. I can't continue to put him first if he won't do the same for me.
Well, happy Friday anyway. Time will work this out.
I tried to talk to him last night. I see an addiction developing in him and it scares me. He sees my words as an attack, a guilt trip to bend him to my will. I want nothing of the sort. I want us to be safe and happy, without all the jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
I did stop trying for a while. I gave up on salvaging anything from this wreck, but something in me won't let go completely. I want to help him, save him even--but I can only change me...and I am most definitely changing.
I see him trying to kill the pain of his past instead of facing it head on. He seems blind to the fact that I understand how hard facing your fears can be. I've got my own to face, that's for sure.
He drains my energy. He never fails to say something negative to counter anything and everything I have to say. Just the other night, I talked to him about something a guy at work told me, just for laughs. He goes of on a rant about how stupid he thinks this guy is, someone he's never met. It's all so ridiculous, so unnecessary.
He twists my words and makes me the bad guy. No criticism can be constructive in his eyes. He invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling the way I do. Like I'm stupid to care about him.
It's like he just wants me to leave him alone and let him go down the wrong path. I would do that if I didn't care about him, if I didn't care what happens to him. He sees it as me trying to control him, but at the very least, as a friend, I am compelled to try and help him.
But, I am only human and I have my limits. I am no superhero, and I can't keep trying to save somebody that don't wanna be saved. Then there is the overwhelming guilt I feel at the
thought of leaving, like kicking a sick dog. Why do I feel so obligated to stay? I know if and when I leave I will be happier person. Does that make me selfish? Do I owe him anything?
Maybe I care too much and I just need to cut the cord and be done with it. It seems rational enough. I can't continue to put him first if he won't do the same for me.
Well, happy Friday anyway. Time will work this out.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Jiminny Cricket had tricks up his sleeve.
In the interest of not always bitching and whining in my blog I've decided to put some of my wishes out in the universe and see what comes back. I guess in a way I'm still bitching and whining--but whatever.
I wish...
...I had a restaurant style soda fountain in my home. Diet soda from the fountain is oh so much tastier than the stuff in can or plastic bottles. mmmmm bubbles.
...'Him' would leave his girl forever and fall madly in love with me--forever. I know, I know, it's pure fantasy. Who wants to gain a new man that way? But honestly, for him, I wouldn't really care. Guess we should meet first, huh?
...The outside temperature would never fall below 70 for the next 6 months.
...I could turn 30 again this year, I need a do over.
...My mom would stop sending me chain e-mails about God, Jesus, Praying, and blind faith.
...My dad would...nevermind, I been wishin' that wish for 30 years and still nothing.
...I could stop being so sensitive, self-conscious, and apathetic. (not just wishing--I'm working on it).
...I had a sporty, silver, mini-cooper and $5000 gas card.
...G-Dubya would keel over. Right now.
...Democrats were the majority again.
...Right-wingers, revolutionaries, pseudo-scientists, activists, rebels, etc, etc., would all just get over their high and mighty bullshit, can the lame rhetoric, and start treating people as equals. Just follow the "mind your business" policy and we'll all live happily, ever, after.
...Everyone would watch "Bowling for Columbine".
and Finally,
...I wish the following people all of the love, good-fortune and happiness in the world: Badili,Tavares, Derek, Jason, James, Keino,Sauda, Leigh, Aretina, Chuck, Da'kim (Chavin),Willie, Jamie, Cassandra, Crystal, James, Brandon, Michael, Cheryl, Jonathan,Rob, Richard, David, Ed, Melvin, Glover, and Ryan. Smootchie bootchies y'all.
I wish...
...I had a restaurant style soda fountain in my home. Diet soda from the fountain is oh so much tastier than the stuff in can or plastic bottles. mmmmm bubbles.
...'Him' would leave his girl forever and fall madly in love with me--forever. I know, I know, it's pure fantasy. Who wants to gain a new man that way? But honestly, for him, I wouldn't really care. Guess we should meet first, huh?
...The outside temperature would never fall below 70 for the next 6 months.
...I could turn 30 again this year, I need a do over.
...My mom would stop sending me chain e-mails about God, Jesus, Praying, and blind faith.
...My dad would...nevermind, I been wishin' that wish for 30 years and still nothing.
...I could stop being so sensitive, self-conscious, and apathetic. (not just wishing--I'm working on it).
...I had a sporty, silver, mini-cooper and $5000 gas card.
...G-Dubya would keel over. Right now.
...Democrats were the majority again.
...Right-wingers, revolutionaries, pseudo-scientists, activists, rebels, etc, etc., would all just get over their high and mighty bullshit, can the lame rhetoric, and start treating people as equals. Just follow the "mind your business" policy and we'll all live happily, ever, after.
...Everyone would watch "Bowling for Columbine".
and Finally,
...I wish the following people all of the love, good-fortune and happiness in the world: Badili,Tavares, Derek, Jason, James, Keino,Sauda, Leigh, Aretina, Chuck, Da'kim (Chavin),Willie, Jamie, Cassandra, Crystal, James, Brandon, Michael, Cheryl, Jonathan,Rob, Richard, David, Ed, Melvin, Glover, and Ryan. Smootchie bootchies y'all.
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