The first cut...

Steve called me sounding rather frantic last night. With tears in his voice, he left a message on my machine begging me to call, saying he needed to talk to someone. He left another message a few hours later thanking me for forgetting about him--"just like everybody else".

My first instinct is to ignore him. I know this game well and last night I didn't feel like playing. Steve's a master at selling a sob story, making you pity him--only to hate you later for the very same thing.

But there was more realism in his voice than I'm used to hearing so I gave in and called back. He was drunk, probably had a few pills and plenty of weed in his system--par for the course with this guy.

He didn't seem too eager to talk. He repeatedly said nothing was wrong, then mumbled something about how he was psychotic (no shit). I told him it was late and I had to work the next day.

Today he sends me this e-mail:

I'm just sick in the head. I think I need to seek help. I did something last night I never thought I'd do. I'm happy you didn't come down to my house when you got home because it was too late and you would have been completely freaked out, then maybe not talk to me any more. I really did need someone to come watch me earlier in the night though. If you want to know then I can tell you what I did to myself, but I'm sure you can figure it out. I feel stupid for doing it but I had to do something to direct the pain some where else. I just can't handle much more of this life.

So Steve's a fucking suicidal cutter now? It makes me sad and angry at the same time. I want to ignore him completely, tell him to solve his own damn problems and stop trying to guilt me into feeling something for him. Then again, I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if he really did kill himself and I didn't do anything to help him.

So what to do is the question? I hate Steve in so many ways, for so many reasons. He really is a shitty person in general-mean, jealous, spiteful, vindictive--the list could go on forever, but it doesn't mean I wish he was dead. Because Steve is the way he is, he has very few friends so I know that even with our rocky history, I am one of the only people he will turn to for help. But how does someone who rarely, if ever, shows any human kindness feel like he deserves it now?

Am I obligated to care?
Am I letting him make me feel this way?
Is this just another ploy for attention?
Am I a saint or a sucker?

I'm so divided right now. Part of me wants to just walk away and forget he ever exsisted, then there's the part of me that knows that Steve's is truly fucked up and I should at the very least try to help him.

?