Misery & Co.

Steve. I can't talk to him at all. All this miscommunication and non-communication has made me so tired.

I tried to talk to him last night. I see an addiction developing in him and it scares me. He sees my words as an attack, a guilt trip to bend him to my will. I want nothing of the sort. I want us to be safe and happy, without all the jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.

I did stop trying for a while. I gave up on salvaging anything from this wreck, but something in me won't let go completely. I want to help him, save him even--but I can only change me...and I am most definitely changing.

I see him trying to kill the pain of his past instead of facing it head on. He seems blind to the fact that I understand how hard facing your fears can be. I've got my own to face, that's for sure.

He drains my energy. He never fails to say something negative to counter anything and everything I have to say. Just the other night, I talked to him about something a guy at work told me, just for laughs. He goes of on a rant about how stupid he thinks this guy is, someone he's never met. It's all so ridiculous, so unnecessary.

He twists my words and makes me the bad guy. No criticism can be constructive in his eyes. He invalidates my feelings and makes me feel like I'm crazy for feeling the way I do. Like I'm stupid to care about him.

It's like he just wants me to leave him alone and let him go down the wrong path. I would do that if I didn't care about him, if I didn't care what happens to him. He sees it as me trying to control him, but at the very least, as a friend, I am compelled to try and help him.

But, I am only human and I have my limits. I am no superhero, and I can't keep trying to save somebody that don't wanna be saved. Then there is the overwhelming guilt I feel at the
thought of leaving, like kicking a sick dog. Why do I feel so obligated to stay? I know if and when I leave I will be happier person. Does that make me selfish? Do I owe him anything?

Maybe I care too much and I just need to cut the cord and be done with it. It seems rational enough. I can't continue to put him first if he won't do the same for me.

Well, happy Friday anyway. Time will work this out.